Coming Back To Life

Who doesn’t love a good comeback / second chance story? This blog was inspired by this Facebook memory:

Yes I still feel this. I also am finally starting to realize that you cannot divide that joy until you are WHOLE on your OWN. ❤

The more space I get from my former marriage, the more I realize how “not alive” I had become in that “partnership.” I put that in quotes because it was no longer a true partnership near the end. It was no longer a reciprocal relationship.

He wanted me to work a full-time job. I wanted him to be there for me in the most challenging chapter of my life. We no longer cheered each other on. I kept down the fort while he made no big adjustments to his life once we had a child. He preferred to work long hours, train and run marathons, play hockey and play soccer. I wanted to have some sort of normalcy after we became a family of three. In short, we grew so far apart.

Partnerships always have compromises. But they can’t be from only one partner. I gave up my career aspirations so he could have his. I lost sleep for years after giving birth. The joy was slowly sucked out of me.

But still…I loved my life. It was comfortable. It was stable. And I loved my ex.

I’m clawing my way back. Day by day, I’m coming into my own. It’s a slow process after 24 years of one identity. But I’m getting there. A year ago I was totally lost. I had no idea what to do career-wise. I was in my old home. I only knew I wanted something different.

My comeback is slowly taking shape. Step one was the new house. It’s amazing how things can improve when you work on your mental health and take control of your life again. When you change your environment. Yes, “where ever you go, there you are,” but you know what else? A fresh start can work WONDERS for a comeback. You start to get clarity. You start to get peace.

Step two was the new career. I start grad school in late August. I have the timeline toward earning this degree and getting my first new job. I’m so ready.

These two big steps will get me closer to being totally WHOLE again!

It’s not just the big steps though. The million little things matter. I’m making permanent, healthy, daily habits as well. More movement. More mindfulness. More reading. More writing. More quality time with people I love. More self-care. More self-love. More intensional living every day. More compassion and empathy. More restorative justice in relationships. More smiling. More healthy dopamine. More endorphins. Less sugar, fewer carbs. Less drama. Less scrolling. Fewer assumptions. Fewer expectations.

So…now I have a plan. And while I still do not know exactly where life will take me (Does anyone?), I have just enough structure and just enough figured out that I can be just content enough. Being ok with this current moment is all I can ask for. And being content was always the real goal. Happiness comes and goes. That’s life.

Life throws curve balls at everyone. For me, mine came later in life than many. That was a both a good and bad thing. It was a blessing that I had things so easy for a long time. It was also somewhat unfortunate that the curve ball came later than many, because I was completely blindsided and frankly, not at all resilient in the beginning.

I think I will always believe the Mark Twain quote that came up in my Facebook memories today, but I also know I cannot control whether or not I get a second chance at love. So I’m letting go of how tightly I was wishing for this. Because now I am so resilient. I am doing ok on my own. I’m getting shit down all by myself. There is POWER and confidence in that.

A couple days ago, I found a worksheet I completed about a year ago as part of a self-help book I read. I could barely recognize the person whose words were on the paper. What a difference just one year makes! This was a MAJOR breakthrough for me. To see that stark difference…Just wow.

I am starting to feel alive again. I’m going to be OK no matter my relationship status. Yes, there are things I will always miss if I stay single. But there is no point in focusing on what I do not have. I’m focusing on the GOOD. And that feels great.

Also, no matter my relationship status, how could I not be content with what I have? Having 20 friends come hanging out with me the night my ex had his wedding reception? Having 20 friends come over the next morning for book club? What an incredible blessing. I will NEVER take my tribe for granted. I’d say that is a pretty great life.

Honestly, I cannot wait to see what this girl looks like a year, 2 years and 3 years from now. Will there be bumps in the road? No doubt. But this time, I’ll be so much more ready. I need to buckle up. I think it’s going to be a pretty sweet ride.

I See You.

Today I’m saluting those, like me, in midlife. Midlife is quite the trip, huh? Hoo boy.

I see you, the wife whose husband is “surprised” you don’t like housework.

I see you, the wife who knows she’d be more intimate if her spouse would just take on 1 or 2 household duties, AKA those HOT acts of service.

I see you married people wondering if you should work on your marriage in therapy or call it quits. Either is hard. Either is OK. But choosing your hard is a very tough decision.

I see those of you struggling, wondering, “Is this as good as it gets?”

I see those of you who have been cheated on. Man, there are too many of us. I see your pain.

I see you singles in midlife, honoring the healing you need to do (even if the divorce was your idea).

I see you singles in midlife, also trying so hard to heal and no longer have triggers so you can date again and this time have a healthier, better relationship.

I see you singles even wondering if there is anyone out there who wants a relationship (vs. just a hookup).

I see many of you caring for both your children and your aging family members. That shit is hard.

I see you either missing the parents that died too young or watching your parents slow down and / or get diseases. Again, both are hard.

I see you aging as well and grappling with that. Some of you are embracing it. Some of you are fighting it. Either way, it’s inevitable and all in how you adjust to it.

I see you trying to figure out life again, as the pandemic gets under control.

So…as you deal with whatever issues that have come up for you in midlife…please do not forget that our lives were basically on hold / in survival mode for 2+ years during a pandemic! That in itself was traumatic.

Please give yourself a break if you have not “healed fast enough” from any of the stuff I mentioned above (Yes, I’m talking to myself here too).

Please remember, endings are hard, even when it’s a pandemic we wanted to end. We have to adjust back to “normal,” whatever that means. It is easier for some than others, but it’s an adjustment for all. Healing is necessary and always possible.

Please remember that age is truly just a number and it’s not too late to achieve some of your dreams.

Please give yourself grace and be patient, as hard as that can be. And lastly, please remember, life won’t always be this hard.

I see all of us and I’m proud of us for getting up every day and trying our best.

Wounded Healer

My shero Glennon Doyle often talks about the importance of knowing your vision of a truer, more beautiful world.

This vision might be a more peaceful world with less war. This vision might be a world where the earth and animals are treated with more compassion. This vision might be the fall of the patriarchy. This vision might be racial justice.

My vision of a truer, more beautiful world is me helping people heal.

This fall, I being my journey to become a therapist. Yes, I was accepted into graduate school! I will enter a 3-year, online program to receive a Master’s of Counseling from Central Michigan University. When I have completed this program, I will become a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC).

It has taken me a little while to realize this was the next step for me. Initially I was intimidated. I still am to a degree (no pun intended). I completed my first Master’s degree in 2001 — over 20 years ago! But through soul searching, journaling, meditation and of course my own therapy, I can no longer deny that this is absolutely the right path for me.

I am by nature a very impatient person. When I decide I want something, I admit I want it quickly. And three years seems like a long time for this program. But I have so much to learn and I know the time investment will be worth it. I also have my part-time job helping animals, my volunteer role helping reduce gun violence…and oh yeah, I’m a full-time single mom! So this part-time graduate school program is exactly what I need / what I can handle.

I also am seeing how, piece by piece, I am putting my life back together. I’m seeing that all this would be less meaningful if it happened more quickly or more easily. I see that if I had not moved out of my old home and right-sized to my current one, I would have had to take out loans for graduate school. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have this specific financial privilege. Instead of focusing on what I lost / the heartbreak, I’m trying very hard to focus on what I have gained. I get to determine my future now. One step at a time, Lindsay. One step at a time. As my therapist said to me today, this is freedom.

Yes I have been wounded. And yes I am not yet fully healed. But I am making good progress. I had a very specific identity – Rich’s partner – for nearly 24 years. I have been working very hard for 3+ years to redefine my wounded self from this former identity. At the core of this work has been me knowing I needed AND DESERVED to go to therapy and eventually, to take an antidepressant. These two things — therapy being the most powerful part — have given me a new lease on life. When you go through sometime traumatic, your perspective changes. I now know these wounds and life experience will help me heal others in a way I never could have been able to before.

I find meaning in helping others. I also acknowledge not everyone wants help. Not everyone wants to address their demons or trauma. Not everyone wants solutions. I think everyone deserves therapy regardless. In this new career, I will help those who want to help themselves. What a beautiful win/win.

When I become a Licensed Professional Counselor, I want to empower others to heal themselves. I want them to see themselves the way I see them. I want them to fully see their potential. We are all enough just as we are.

I want to give my future clients the tools to see their way to a truer, more beautiful world for themselves.

Specifically, I want to help adults lesson their anxiety and depression and increase their self-esteem. I want to help couples better their relationships. I want to help people heal from trauma. I want to help people through hard life transitions. I want to help people alleviate issues like body dysmorphia. I want to provide a non-judgmental space for people to be themselves and to tell their truths.

A quote from the Talmud (a Jewish law book) says: “If you have saved one life, you have saved the world.”

Don’t forget to save yourself too.

I cannot wait to listen to you. I cannot wait to help you with whatever life has thrown at you. I cannot wait to help you change your outlook on life. I cannot wait to be there for you and others in a more powerful way than I ever have been able to…VERY SOON!

~With love and gratitude,
Your Counseling in Training, Lindsay

Some Days Kick My Ass

Acceptance…Man, is it hard to get there some days.

I just had the most amazing weekend with my kiddo. Absolutely perfect. Magical. No complaints. I felt like a new single parent achievement was unlocked — I traveled solo with my kiddo and it felt “normal.” I had a great therapy session this week. I finished my grad school application.

And yet, today is somehow kicking my ass.

MAJOR attitude from my kiddo this morning…yes, the kiddo I just had the most wonderful weekend of bonding with.

Then the school drop off line from hell (again). Why must the drop off line equal the absolute worst of humanity? Is it THAT hard to not be an asshole?

And then…the ache appeared. The ache is almost always there. Most days I can distract it. But not today. I try so hard, but I still miss aspects of my old life. I miss the security. I miss the partnership. I miss the CONNECTION. I miss having someone who is my first person to call / text with good news or bad news or just their willingness to let me vent about life. I miss contentment.

And here comes what will probably cause me a major vulnerability hangover.

I miss my old best friend. I also miss a friend with whom I had a “situationship” (I cannot call it a relationship. It never was). And I have no real good solutions to repair either friendship due to physical distance with the former and emotional distance with the latter.

The former best friend and I went through some rocky times when we became moms. I admit the falling out was mainly my fault. My mental health was not great at the time. I was a new mom. I was not getting the support I so desperately needed from my then-husband. Years passed without us talking. Then my ex left me and I felt with my entire body and soul that people should not be thrown out. I felt like I threw her away. I felt terrible.

We have since reconnected, but physical space (we live 4 hours apart and there is a country border between us) has kept us apart during this damn pandemic. She also is one of the most successful career women I know. She really truly is amazing. One of the most amazing women I know. Her little free time is devoted to her husband and kids, as it should be. Regardless, I miss her so much.

Then there was the “situationship.” I have never blogged about this before. A couple of years ago, I met someone so, so, so kind. Amazing friend to many. Amazing parent. Extremely successful career. Cute as hell. Funny. Always fun to hang out with. Me met organically. We live nearby. It felt SO EASY. It was SO FUN. It was unexpected. I did not take one moment for granted. He said he was not ready to date. But the truth is, he did not want a relationship with me. One evening, he casually brought up someone he took on dates. I knew in that moment we could not carry on the casual “thing” we had, as lovely as it was. We’ve tried to be “friends,” but we are failing. Of course. I knew it would be so awkward to try. Unlike my other friend who lives far away, we still live close, but could not be more emotionally apart.

I know I need to get over these losses, just like I’ve gotten over my ex-husband. But nonetheless, I miss the connections we had so, so much.

It also does not help when friends tell me “Oh so and so is dating / has a loving boyfriend. You will too.” No one can predict that. No one can predict I will ever have a female best friend again either. I can do all the work in the world on myself and I may not ever get what I want. And being a single parent without a best friend or a significant other, I’m sorry to say can be SO DAMN ISOLATING. I know am blessed with this child (I even have a childless friend who often reminds me of this to make me feel bad, suggesting that I’m not more thankful – which does not help…) and I’m blessed with many friends. But I feel like a burden to these friends. I know they are sick of hearing from me and my baggage, as kind as they are. I know they think I should be 100% healed by now. I get it. Compassion fatigue is a real thing. I never felt like that with the my former best friend and my former husband. I miss having those type of people in my daily life.

Lastly, before someone tells me for the millionth time that I need to be OK alone…I KNOW. Intellectually, I promise you with every fiber of my being – I KNOW.

And I know you want me to get better. I want to get better too. SO BADLY. I’m trying every single day. In so many ways, I truly am better. (See many of my other blog posts about my progress. I’m proud of a lot of things that I have accomplished.) But I cannot lie and will never lie. Transitioning from a chapter when I felt very content to this one…is proving to be a LONG adjustment. Change is fucking hard.

Just know – I’m trying. Every day. I’ll never stop trying. Today, instead of unloading on any of you, I’m blogging.

Some days as a single mom just kick my ass. Tomorrow will be better.

“In shifting our perspective to one of allowance and acceptance, we gradually begin fostering peace and love on the inside. It then leaks out into the world and those around us.” ~Sarah Blondin

Progress

A girl friend who I really look up to texted me today somewhat out of the blue. She said, “You know, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what you said last week about seeing your own part in your marriage. And I know that I don’t have the same experience at all, yet I still wanted to tell you how damned proud I am of how far you’ve traveled in the few years I’ve known you. And that all your progress, reluctant and eager, is seen & noticed by others. It’s really quite a thing. Keep going!”

If I had not been in the middle of an ice arena the moment that I read that, I would have legitimately burst into tears. And it would not be tears of sadness. It would have been tears from feeling so freaking flattered. Sometimes it is hard to see your progress when you are the one living it day by day.

But she’s right. This healing journey has been amazing. Having my life turned upside down was not just traumatic. It has been TRANSFORMATIVE. I have had to examine every iota of my life. And yes part of that is taking ownership of my role in my former partnership.

Did I do a lot in my marriage that I’m proud of? Damn straight I did. I gave it my all, loving my ex with all my heart. As many of you know, when I love something, I give that passion a 110% effort. And I sure did that with my marriage. I did the lion’s share of the physical work, 99% of the parenting and 100% of the mental load. I also fought like hell to save my marriage when the infidelity bomb was dropped on me.

Did I cheat and lie and keep secrets and move away? Of course not. But the marriage did not happen in a vacuum. We very slowly grew apart from each other.

There are things I’m not proud of that I want to admit to finally. I did not always do all the work I did for my ex and for my son without resentment. And that’s not very healthy.

I also sacrificed my career, the career I got a Master’s degree in, for his career. There was sometimes resentment there also.

I have also come to accept that me not working full-time after my son was born was a deal breaker for my ex. He did not communicate that to me, (and I would still have pushed back given my desire to be home with Tommy as well as some other factors), but a deal breaker is a deal breaker. That was clearly his. That’s fine. We are all allowed deal breakers.

Lastly, it is so very vulnerable for me to admit this publicly…but “Miss Positive” was sometimes a martyr, a personality trait I absolutely ABHOR. Eek, it’s SO HARD admitting this out loud. I’m doing my best to forgive myself for not going to therapy to fix this sooner.

I can say with the utmost confidence that these things will not happen again. When you lose almost EVERYTHING you thought your life would be, you learn from your mistakes pretty quickly.

SO…where do I go from here? I continue to take things one day at a time. I try to give myself grace. I continually try to forgive my past self. I try so hard to have patience and hope. I try to believe that I’ll be given a second chance at love. I try every damn day to look FORWARD, not back. I’m also hoping to go back to school this fall to get a new career that is all mine and this time won’t be sacrificed. It’s a 3-year program, which means Tommy would be the perfect age when I would be going back to work full-time. (More on that in a new blog if I get in!)

I have made a promise to myself that I will not make the same mistakes that I made when I was younger. If I am offered that second chance that I want so very badly, I will make a SMARTER effort every day. I will communicate my needs and desires more effectively. I will continue ALL of my mental health self care — therapy, meds, journaling, blogging, exercising, getting out in nature with my dog, reading, listening to podcasts — working on being a better person indefinitely. I owe it to myself and to whoever I might have the opportunity to be in a partnership with in the future to take care of myself first so I can truly be the best possible partner (not to mention friend, daughter, mother, etc).

Through this work of healing, I also know that I’ll demand more from that possible partner, because frankly what I had before was not an equal partnership.

What I have learned is that we should always be evolving to a be a better version of ourselves than the day before…because the other side of healing can be magical.

Why Are We So Hard On Ourselves?

The other day a friend going through a divorce texted me a question. I responded to her with what I thought was just a few words and she replied to me, “You sound so healthy.”

I don’t know why this touched me so much or why I was surprised to hear it, but it made me ponder. Why are we so hard on ourselves? I re-read my response and yes, I *do* sound healthy. Because I am! I have bad days and midlife baggage and yes – I admit it – trust issues. But I am SO self aware now. Why did I have to read my message again to agree with what she said?

Today, I received a copy of my college transcripts. I’m going to apply to get a Master’s in Counseling. (Wish me luck please. Change is hard and scary!) I looked at my undergraduate grades and my graduate school grades and I genuinely was floored at how good they were. (OK, NOT economics. That class was my nemesis.) Damn. Why did I not see how awesome I was 20-some years ago when I earned those grades? And while there is nothing wrong with humility (I’m super humble clearly), there must be a balance!

I am not one of those people who are naturally smart, but when I’m passionate about something, I’m ALL IN. I put in the effort needed to succeed. And that is reflected in those GREAT grades I saw today. (I’m talking like Dean’s List great.) Why at the time did I think I was so damn average? Why did I feel like my mentor believed in me more than I did? What the heck?

I saw those grades today and thought, damnit, I *can* totally go back to school and get another Master’s! Why did I hesitate initially?

Research shows the number one barrier to self-compassion is fear of being complacent and losing your edge. But research shows that’s not true. It’s just the opposite.

Self-compassion can lead to greater achievement than self-criticism ever could.” Credit: NYT

Why is someone like me, who shows compassion so easily to others, one who struggles to sometimes give it to myself? Is it because of social media? Nope. There was NO social media back when I was in college (thank God). Is it because I don’t have my dad, one of my biggest cheerleaders, anymore? Nope. He was around when I got those grades. Is it because I’m divorced? Nope. I’m more resilient than ever thanks to *that* baggage. Is it because I’m comparing myself to others? Maybe in the past. But certainly not now. Since I have been divorced and have done so much self work, the only person I try to compare myself to now is myself in the past. So what is it then? Is is low self-esteem? Turns out it may not be! Is it my inner monologue? Quite possibly.

An article from Inc. talks about negativity bias. (You can read it here.) This is intriguing to me. The brain essentially reacts more to negative input than positive. How could that be for me, Miss Positive? I am not a cave woman! Here’s the thing — we all have trauma and baggage in our life and of course our brain is trying to protect us! Too bad it’s actually doing the opposite.

This is why I’m so passionate about therapy. Not just for a future career, but for MYSELF. I know that I need to keep seeing my therapist. It’s so important to talk to an impartial third party who will call you out on the bullshit in your head sometimes. Some people will say, “That is what friends are for.” And friends are indeed important. But they are in no way impartial or unbiased.

Everyone deserves a therapist in their life.

And I’m so excited at the possibility of becoming one. I want to help others and turn my pain into purpose. But I also am so excited to really dive deep into how the brain works and know that this future understanding can do nothing but help me!

So…what can the average person do? Not every human NEEDS therapy and not every human wants to be one either!

Here are a few tips that I like best about how to not be so hard on ourselves:

1. Do NOT compare yourself to anyone other than the version of yourself from yesterday. We are all unique and we all have something to offer.
2. Have a filter — filter out the bullshit inner monologue. Filter out the thought that you are not worthy. We are ALL worthy.
3. Find at least one person (a therapist, neighbor, mentor) who can be an neutral “reality check” for you. This person should be the one cheerleader we all deserve so we can do what I just did — remind ourselves that we are in fact pretty extraordinary, no matter what our brain tells us.
4. NEVER forget that challenges in life not only make you stronger. Dr. Benjamin Hardy said you must re-frame the idea that all things happen TO you to the idea that many things happen FOR you.
5. Last, and most importantly…Let yourself suck at something for a while. I just watched a very moving memorial for an incredible young man. His father concluded the celebration of life by saying, “Create things. Even if they suck. Especially if they suck. That is how things start. Put things in the world that didn’t exist the day before.” ♥️

What would you add to this list?

Phoenix in Training

Today I’m telling a vulnerable part of my story I’ve never shared publicly. I’m writing not to be sad today. I promise I’m OK. I’m writing to reflect on how far I have come…

December 27, 2018…It’s been 3 years…3 years since my life was flipped upside down…3 years since I was asked to sit down and listen to a very unexpected goodbye letter…3 years since my then husband walked out of our home and never returned.

I called my mom. I asked her, “Where are you?”

“I’m at Olga’s having lunch. Is it an emergency?”

“Yes. I’m on my way.”

I remember sitting at that table with her, telling her my husband was leaving me. We had been together nearly 24 years. She told me, “He’s having a nervous breakdown.”

“No. There is someone else. We have been in therapy for a few months. I thought he ended it with her. I guess he didn’t.”

It was the worst day of my life. Worse than when my dad passed away unexpectedly. My dad died loving me. My husband stopped loving me. I felt powerless, angry as hell and heartbroken all at the same time.

The next day ended up being even worse than the day before. Telling my son we were getting divorced was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. We all were crying. Kiddo was naturally in more shock than me. (The shock I experienced the previous day was no doubt the biggest shock of my life…and I had found out about the other woman several months prior. Our marriage had been challenged, but I thought it was repairable and that was why we were in therapy. Still, I never thought our marriage was over.) That moment in my life when I had to tell my son our life would never be the same was pure anguish. I know it was for my son too.

In the coming days, my son would tell me I lied to him. “You told me you guys would never get divorced.” More heartbreak for me. I had to tell him that what I said was NOT a lie. I believed it to be true with all of my heart. The only reason us “never divorcing” was ever even brought up was when he heard about a friend’s parents getting divorced. I told him he had nothing to worry about. I had my whole life mapped out. Divorce was not in the plan.

Within another day or two, my son asked me if the divorce was his fault. My mama heart broke even more. Of course it was not his fault!

After a bit of the shock wore off, I went in to protection mode. I interviewed lawyers, chose one, filed for divorce and got kiddo a therapist. I already had one for myself. My ex and I had been going together. I thought we were repairing our marriage. We were not. He was buying time until he left.

The stress from all this caused my son and me to be sick for about a month each. He experienced anxiety for the first time in his life. I experienced anxiety and situational depression. I got on a medication to treat both. We pressed on. I often told him that someday we would get to a “new normal.”

2019 was one of the hardest years of our lives. Since I had always been the “default parent” (the one who carried the mental load), parenting on my own was not the big adjustment. No longer having a partner was the big adjustment. 24 years is a long time. I did everything in my power to get through that first year, experience any moment of joy available to me and make things as “OK” for my son as possible.

The divorce was finalized on October 31, 2019. I stood in a courtroom on a cold, rainy morning without my ex and without my attorney (the staff attorney attended as it was just a formality). It was much quicker than I expected. I was asked about two questions and then signed a document.

“Congratulations. You are divorced.”

Yay me. Sigh. While I think I was over my ex before the divorce was finalized, I was definitely not over being alone yet.

Then, just 5 months later, the pandemic hit. Talk about trauma compounding more trauma. Ouch. I will never forget breaking down and bawling when I read that the pandemic could last as long as 18 months. (As we all now know, it’s been longer.) My life had already felt “on hold” through the divorce process and now it was going to be on hold even longer? It was too much for me to imagine. 2020 was a year that overall sucked for every human. There were of course some bright spots for me: new friends…My son and my mom and I staying healthy…my job was safe. All good things. I always try to focus on the good things. And I do not take a damn thing for granted.

2021 has been a bit better in some ways (though we are still in this seemingly unending pandemic). I’m now amicable with my ex. Kiddo and I got vaccinated. I got my booster. We have continued to stay healthy. We continue to make new traditions. And the highlight – we “right-sized” to a home that’s a wonderful, fresh start for us. These things have helped me reclaim my life.

It is no secret that I still have several significant personal and professional goals I would love to meet. I think my professional goals are attainable. But the personal goal still feels out of my control at this point. But that is the thing with relationships — you cannot control them. I learned that early on in my life, but was blatantly reminded when my husband left 3 years ago today. At this point I just have to continue to have hope for a second chance in that department. All the personal work I have done for 3 years allows me that hope.

I am not comfortable calling myself a Phoenix just yet. Maybe in another 3 years. 😉

For now, I’ll call myself a Phoenix in training. ♥️

Here’s to following dreams, chasing joy and hope for all of us. Here’s to other Phoenixes in training.

Happy (Almost) New Year.

Perspective

Every November I make a point of practicing daily gratitude on Facebook. You may know that I try to practice gratitude 365 days a year, but the truth is…I don’t always remember, nor do I *always* put a ton of thought into it. But every November, I make certain I am intentional about thankfulness every single day. Some days I write something easy and obvious, like my gratitude and love for my child, for my mom, for my friends, for music. Today I was inspired to write a blog post.

Today, I feel such gratitude for time, space and most of all, perspective. Time, space and perspective in the past three years have given me some clarity about long-term relationships:

-Chemistry is not quite enough, as delicious as it is.
-Even love alone is not enough, as hard a pill as that is to swallow.

Yes, with time, space and perspective, I finally realize that a true partnership requires more than what my ex and I had in our marriage.

With time and space and perspective, I have learned that a long-term, healthy partnership requires a commitment to bring out the best in each other. It makes each other better humans simply by being in each other’s lives. It requires the ability to inspire each other to never stop growing and evolving. It requires open and vulnerable communication. Maybe most of all – a healthy partnership requires us to work on ourselves and never stop. Self-awareness is key. Self-love and acceptance are too. Those things are what makes a partnership thrive and last. And of course, chemistry and love matter too. 😉

Time, space and perspective have allowed me to realize that my ex and I no longer brought out the best in each other. We did not grow together. We may have grown up alongside each other, but we grew apart while evolving. We were not supporting each other the way healthy partners do. While I know I did my best with what I knew at the time, I now know more. And when you know better, you do better. (Thank you therapy, meds and a whole lot of other self-help work!)

If I’m ever granted the opportunity and privilege of having a life partner in the future, this I know for sure. I know I will not take one moment for granted. I know I will not take him for granted. I know I will support his goals and dreams and evolution as a human because I have learned how to do this for myself. I know I will openly communicate my wants and needs (because I’ve always done that). I know I will never stop working on myself. I won’t be starting from scratch. I will be starting from experience. I won’t make the same mistakes twice. I will never not be thankful for a second chance. And I know it will be the most amazing experience — better than I can even imagine…because second chances are magical.

So many songs have spoken to me in this new chapter of my life. Here is one example…

“Happiness” lyrics, by Taylor Swift:

“Honey, when I’m above the trees
I see this for what it is
But now I’m right down in it
All the years I’ve given
Is just shit we’re dividing up
Showed you all of my hiding spots
I was dancing when the music stopped
And in the disbelief
I can’t face reinvention
I haven’t met the new me yet
There’ll be happiness after you
But there was happiness because of you
Both of these things can be true
There is happiness
Past the blood and bruise
Past the curses and cries
Beyond the terror in the nightfall
Haunted by the look in my eyes
That would’ve loved you for a lifetime
Leave it all behind
And there is happiness
Tell me, when did your winning smile
Begin to look like a smirk?
When did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt?
I hope she’ll be a beautiful fool
Who takes my spot next to you
No, I didn’t mean that
Sorry, I can’t see facts through all of my fury
You haven’t met the new me yet
There’ll be happiness after me
But there was happiness because of me
Both of these things I believe
There is happiness
In our history
Across our great divide
There is a glorious sunrise
Dappled with the flickers of light
From the dress I wore at midnight
Leave it all behind
And there is happiness”

Perspective is everything. What do you think? Did I miss anything when it comes to healthy relationships? Weigh in!

World Gratitude Day

Practicing gratitude and thanking people I care about is one of my absolute favorite things in my life! Apparently today is World Gratitude Day. My dad used to say, “The harder I work, the luckier I get.” I kinda feel like “The harder I thank, the luckier I get!”

Having my life unexpectedly change a few years ago has honestly been one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. Before some of you who hear me (and I do have friends and a therapist who very patiently listen to me) struggle day-to-day to reinvent myself yell “BULLSHIT, Lindsay!”…hear me out. 🙂

If all the stuff that happened to me had NOT in fact happened…

• I am pretty damn sure I would have been stuck in a rut.
• I am pretty damn sure I would still have resentment.
• I am pretty damn sure would still act like a martyr sometimes.
• I do not think I would be the friend I am today.
• I do not think I would be the mom I am today.
• I know I would not have done all the work I have and continue to do on myself.
• I know I would not be NEARLY as self-aware as I am now.
• I know I would not have met some of the wonderful people who are in my life now.
• I know I would not have pushed myself to do better, BE better.
• I know I would simply not be the version of myself that I am today.
• And I know for sure would not have been forced to re-emerge like a Phoenix.

This may sound crazy, but I am grateful for my ex and his new wife. I’m not grateful for the way things happened of course. I’m not grateful for secrets and lies and the corresponding trauma and baggage that I’m desperately trying to discard. I’m not interested in spending any time with them. But I’m 100% grateful that my ex freed me to become myself again. I’m grateful to become the mom Tommy has always deserved. I’m grateful that Tommy’s dad seems to have found his happiness. For that, we both will be better parents. I’m eternally grateful how these life changes have brought Tommy and me even closer than we were before. Lastly, I’m grateful I have been freed to find a partner that is better suited for me. (Someday…when the timing is right anyway…I hope.)

Next, I’m grateful for how my ex leaving me has brought me so many new, WONDERFUL friends. These friends have brought out the best in me. They have challenged me in all the best ways — ways to help me grow, ways to keep me accountable. When one door closes, many new ones open for me.

My “new life” has also brought me closer to my long time friends…Closer than I could have ever imagined. They are like sisters to me. I’m truly a lucky woman.

Also, I’m grateful that I have been forced to learn patience. You all who know me well know that I probably struggle with this the most. I admit it — I am not patient! But struggles make me so much stronger. I’ll get there.

In addition, I’m so grateful for the freedom to sell my house and pick out a brand-new one for Tommy and me all by myself (with two AMAZING realtors of course). That level of liberation is so exciting. I spent some time in my new home this past week and now it truly does feel like HOME.

This pandemic has helped me take stock of something that I never took for granted but missed SO MUCH — live music. I cannot believe I get to go see Glass Animals with my friend Rebecca in less than two weeks. I am so excited to see X Ambassadors for the first time in November with my friend Rachel. And I’m always grateful to see Snow Patrol with my friend Jill and Our Lady Peace with my friend Kathy, who we will get to see live in 2022.

I’m beyond grateful for this new chapter of my life. I’m most grateful for a second chance to have the life I truly want.

What are YOU grateful for today?

A New Chapter

I bought a new home today!

Almost three years to the day that I found out that the life I knew was effectively over, I have taken back control of my life. I have done many things I’m proud of since then. I have taken care of my mental health. I have helped my child with his mental health. I have secured my own health insurance, home insurance and car insurance. I found myself a new CPA. I manage a home and care for my sweet child and my 3 pets. I basically handle everything on my own. My ex and I are amicable. (I have no interest in being his friend, but we are able to be friendly in front of our child.) I have made new friends – female and male. I have done and continue to do all the work to heal and not just survive betrayal and abandonment, but THRIVE.

Selling my beloved home and downsizing to a darling, charming, new (to me) home definitely feels like the biggest step in reclaiming my life so far. I love the home I just sold. And we could have stayed in it. But I know downsizing is the smartest financial decision for Tommy and me. It’s the best emotional decision too. I cannot tell you how happy, how at peace, how EXCITED I have been since my offer was accepted!

And while I STRONGLY believe “wherever you go, there you are” — no matter if you move 700 miles away or a half a mile away — I do believe this fresh start is exactly what Tommy and I need. It’s time to make new memories in a house that I alone picked out. This house we are moving to soon has no bad memories.

Tonight I will celebrate with a glass of champagne. Tomorrow I continue packing and purging. I move in 6 weeks. A brand-new chapter begins then. I cannot wait! From this chapter until my last, I’m creating the life I want. I could not be more thankful and more excited.