OMG I have just HAD IT with grief. I do not want to grieve ever again. I do not want to lose anyone or anything from my life any more! OK, I know that it not realistic, but what is realistic is that I just need a damn break from sadness. Recently, a friendship came to an end. I do not take friendship lightly and I cared a LOT for this person, so this ending has been hurting my soul so very much. I hate endings. I wanted to be friends with this person long-term.
Given my recent history, I now do everything to prevent good things from ending. Endings are so, so hard. But I know I cannot control much in life. If someone shows me with their words and actions that they do not want me in their life, I can accept that. But let me be real as always — it hurts like hell.
I’m a low-maintenance person. Some would say too low maintenance. But I’m not a doormat. So I thought compiling my basic requirements to be my friend / have access to my life would be a healthy exercise for me.
DISCLAIMER: If you are going through a particularly hard chapter of your life, you get a pass on ALL OF THIS, as I would hope you offer a pass to me. I’m all about giving grace. OK, here we go:
-Talk to me on social media. Unless you are not on social media at all, I want you to interact with me, like friends should. I keep it real on social media. You are not just getting my highlight reel. I want friends who are there for me through the good and the bad. You DO NOT need to comment on or like all my posts. I know I post a lot and I know not everything I post will matter to you. I just want to know that we’re friends.
-Talk to me offline. Text, call, hang out. This seems super basic. But quality time is what matters most to me. You give me your time? You are my friend.
-Initiate some of said communication and hang outs. (We both need to initiate). It cannot only be me. I can’t do one-sided ANYTHING ever again in my life. It’s too hard on me.
-PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE try to take care of your mental health. I fully admit that mine is a continual work in progress, but hurt people really do hurt other people. You may not mean to, but you can most definitely hurt me when you are hurting. The person I recently had to end a friendship with hurt me.
-Do not gossip. If I cannot trust you, then what is the point?
-Do not keep big secrets from me. Actively being private does not work with friendships. I have been lied to, had secrets kept from me and was cheated on by the person I was closest to in life. Do I need to know your deepest, darkest shameful thoughts / stories? Of course not. But do not deceive me. I think you can understand the nuance here. Share your life with me.
–Follow up to the last couple points…Do not keep me at arm’s length. We are either friends and we can be vulnerable with each other or we are not. Life is too short for half-assed friendships. Either you are all in…or you are not. If you cannot trust me, then you really do not know me. My integrity is a core part of my identity.
-Be honest about your needs and wants. I am not a mind reader.
-Be genuinely happy for me if something good happens. While I get that we ALL can feel envious from time to time, if you cannot feel happy for me when, say, I get into grad school and make NO mention of it, then yeah, we are probably not meant to be friends. I’m clawing my way back to normalcy and while no job will be a magic bullet to happiness for me, it will be a means to an end — a new career, one that will help others, and it will help me keep a roof over my head, my kiddo’s head and my pets’ heads. I do not need some grand gesture, but a “good job” would suffice. I truly had no idea if I would get in after being out of college for over 20 years.
-Do not make assumptions about me. You have a question or a concern? Communicate it with me! Or if you are going to make an assumption, make it a good one. I’m a kind person who wants the best for my friends.
I basically just follow the “reverse golden rule.” I try to not allow others to treat me in ways I would not treat someone else.
P.S. I’m 99% certain the person who I’m no longer friends with will read this. But if they do, I wish them healing, peace and happiness. Thank you for the good times. They meant a lot to me.
Lindsay Warren's Blog 
I completely agree and understand what you’re saying. I’ve had the same experience. Close friend, involvement in a charity, and a sister have all been lost. Once you give your all and it ends up being one-sided or not appreciated it hurts. It also hurts when the people or group show different characteristics later on. Breaking up is difficult no matter the relationship. My hope for you and me is that we overcome the grief and get lots better at giving our friendship away. Casual friends come and go and that can be ok, but deep, loving relationships should be treasured by both sides. Keep growing! Don’t give up. You have so much to offer to the right people!
Thank you for reading and commenting. ❤