What is the Misery Olympics? It is comparing your struggles to others who are sharing their own struggles. It is often used to undermine the importance of someone’s struggle, or to make someone who feels miserable look like they are exaggerating their pain or are weak for complaining.
I used to “compete” in the Misery Olympics. I have mentioned this in my blog before. I was an exhausted new mom and it was not a proud life chapter. I am still ashamed of that behavior. I even lost a friendship for a number of years because of it. It was so shameful. My behavior was not excusable by any means. My behavior was because I was not caring for my mental health. I can now promise you this:
I will never, ever compete in the Misery Olympics again. It’s selfish and tone deaf and just…rude as hell.
I will spend the rest of my life trying to do better and not treat my friends the way I did then.
I will always take responsibility for my healing, my mental health and being my advocate and my best friend first. If I am in charge of my mental health and happiness, I can be happy for others as well. I can honor THEIR pain by NOT belittling it and by validating it.
All of us have been through a lot lately. We lived through a very long global pandemic. We were extremely isolated. We missed out on a lot of life. Loved ones died. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I have friends with chronic physical pain….friends who have lost their jobs….friends who have lost babies and children…friends who have gotten divorced or want to get divorced…friends with fertility issues…friends who have been raped…friends who want to but to, but cannot find love again. This is a small sample of examples.
One smart friend recently said to me, “How we get on with our lives is a choice.” This is such a powerful statement. We get one, precious life. Are you going to spend the rest of your life pissed off / sad / resentful because of your trauma? Or are you going to try to make the best of the hands you were dealt? No one has to “get over” trauma such as a loved one who died by suicide or homicide. All of our trauma is valid. Trauma is not a choice. Healing is our responsibility.
Another smart friend recently said, “I know everyone handles life differently, but I want happiness and joy every single day. It’s a short journey and this is spoken by someone in the last chapter.” I also want happiness and joy every single day.
Healing looks different for everyone. For some it might be therapy and meds. For others it might be yoga and journaling. There is no one “best” way to do it. Whatever healing looks like for an individual is not relevant. What matters is that they are working toward feeling better. And while grief is not linear, we should not give up the fight to find our “new normal.”
Do I have bad days? You know I do. But the difference between the earlier version of me and the version of me that I have evolved into by taking care of my mental health is vastly different. Now I do not DWELL on my pain for long. I feel it, I honor it and then I MOVE ON. I get up every day and do my best to make it a good day, a good life.
While I have been a volunteer in gun violence prevention for nearly 8 years, it is hard to form words about my beloved alma mater, Michigan State University (MSU), being added to the never-ending list of mass shootings in America. February 13, 2023 is a night no Spartan will ever forget. But before I talk about the horrific tragedy, I want to try to put into words what that university and East Lansing, the city it is located in, mean to me.
When I was in high school, I applied to 6 or 7 universities. It did not matter who the other ones were. I knew in my heart right from the start that I would be going to MSU. I had visited several times over the years growing up and it was love at first sight. Every moment at that school, even on my “worst day,” was still a good day. Life at MSU / in East Lansing was magical. It was a sanctuary.
I felt welcomed and accepted from day one. I met the most amazing people there. I gained a mentor there that will be a lifelong friend and colleague. The city and the campus are the friendliest places where everyone smiles and says hello to one another. I had the most amazing job at the campus radio station that never once felt like a “job.” I got my BA and MA there. I spent my formative years there, 7 years total.
I loved it so much that I never came back to my hometown in the summer from my sophomore year on. East Lansing became my new home. I have been in Royal Oak nearly 20 years now. While I love it here, East Lansing will always be a city I consider “home” too.
I met dear friends there that I’m still close with today. I met one of my bridesmaids there. I met my (ex) spouse there. And while our marriage was not life-long, there would be no Tommy if there was no MSU. My son is my favorite human. My son is here because of MSU.
My story is not unique. So many others adore MSU like I do. According to Wikipedia, as of fall 2018, there were about 634,000 living Michigan State University alumni worldwide. That’s a lot of green and white lovers.
The three precious lives lost
Back to Monday night. As long as I live, I will never forget that night. Listening to the police scanner for my beloved campus and city was just…haunting…heartbreaking…surreal. In the end, three lives were taken way too early. Five more are in critical condition at Sparrow Hospital in Lansing, Michigan. I have no idea what their fate will be.
I could not go to sleep until I heard the shooter had been caught. The monster who did this ended up taking his own life. We may never know what provoked him to do something so horrible. I do know this: We make it WAY TOO EASY TO GET A GUN IN AMERICA.
As long as I have been a volunteer with Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America, I have known that a mass shooting can happen anywhere. I know that NO zip code is immune. But for some weird reason, I never thought MSU, a sanctuary for hundreds of thousands of people, would be the next. I have experienced so many horrific mass shootings. I will not even try to list them all. Without a doubt, this one has gutted me the most.
Make no mistake, every mass shooting is horrific. NOT ONE of them should have happened. Not one American should have died in a mass shooting. This is a uniquely American problem. Every single peer nation has solved this problem. Mass shootings are now the number one killer of our children in America. America should have fixed this IMMEDIATELY after Columbine over 20 years ago.
This one feels more personal than all the others.
A long-time saying from MSU is “Spartans Will.” I know in my heart that worldwide Spartans will come together to try to heal after this horrific tragedy. I know Spartans will come together to fight our uniquely American epidemic of gun violence. I know Spartans will do amazing things to honor the lives lost. And I know Spartans will do everything in their power so that this does not happen on our beloved campus again and the current population of over 45,000+ students feel safe once again.
There will be vigils and fundraisers and memorials. Do what you can, where you can. One example:
My friend Rachael is selling t-shirts. The proceeds will go to the Michigan chapter of Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America. Moms Demand Action is the largest grassroots gun violence prevention organization in America. They are going toe-to-toe with the gun lobby to make our country safer. In the 10 years since their inception, they have made an incredible amount of positive changes to make America safer. Do NOT let anyone tell you that nothing has happened since Sandy Hook. It has. But it is an incredibly slow process to dismantle the hold the gun lobby has on America. You can read about all Moms Demand Action’s big victories here. But their work is far from done. They need our support.
Please consider buying 1, 2 or 20 t-shirts! Thank you. If you cannot buy a shirt, please consider volunteering your time with Moms Demand Action. Text the word READY to the number 64433 to get signed up. You do not have to be a mom. Their name came from their founder. Thank you.
2nd update…Noom…I’m still LOVING it! The psychology lessons are just so great. Real accountability time: I was down 12 lbs total, but gained 2 over the last 2 weeks. NOT bad for a TON of holiday fun! And I mean a ton. I’m so grateful. Good times, good food, good drinks and most importantly GOOD FRIENDS!!!!! My heart and belly are full. ❤
My goal is to of course lose those 2 that I gained and then lose just 8 more for a total of 20. I CAN and WILL do it.
To kickstart, I’m doing Dry January — well, minus ONE evening when I’m celebrating an incredible childhood friend who graduated with her nursing degree! THAT is a great exception!
3rd update…Grad school is amazing. I aced my first two courses and am looking forward to a busy year of courses this year: two classes this spring semester, two this summer, two this fall. One break in August. One in December. Courses this year include: ethics, multicultural counseling, intro to counseling for addictions, diagnosis and treatment planning, assessment, and lastly, research in counseling. I cannot wait! I hope to ace all of these as well.
4th update: I will continue in talk therapy for as long as needed. My most important therapeutic goal for 2023 is to calm my nervous system so I consistently “go with the flow” / overall feel more even keel.
Final update…I’m still making a consistent, courageous effort to find real love. I am on dating apps, I have a new friend trying to hook me up with a few good men and I’m open to any of you doing the same. Thank you!
February 7, 2023 update: The two holiday pounds are back off as well as one more pound! 13 down, 7 to go.
Four years as a twosome…scratch that…four years as a dynamic duo! ♥️
Four years ago was the worst day of my life. If you are new to my blog, you can read about that day here.
I can easily say my hardest day is behind me. Before you tell me I’m naive and that life will always throw curve balls, hear me out. Yes, there will be hard days during Act Two. There already have been plenty of tough days: deaths — of family members, of dreams for possible romantic relationships, and on and on. But the difference now is, I’m a million times stronger now than I was four years ago today.
In the four years since life threw me my biggest and most unexpected curve ball, I have truly gotten my shit together. Therapy and an antidepressant have been at the center of my healing. Leaning on friends, family and my pets has also been integral. Soul searching – soooooooooo much damn soul searching – has taken place as well. A ridiculous amount of self-help books have been read. I can’t forget the podcasts. Meditation and exercise too. All the effort. Rest and self-care too. The “new” / old, charming house was a game changer too. I’m finally OK in my own skin. And lest I forget the group texts. Thank God for group texts. I’m a lucky girl to have so many women in my life who love me. 😍
And I am thrilled to report that finally figuring out a new career and starting graduate school to pursue that career has been so significant in re-writing my life. After benefiting from talk therapy for a few years, it finally hit me. I could BECOME a therapist! I love to help others and what an incredible way to give back. What an incredible way to put love out into the world.
I was scared out of my mind to apply to grad school at age 45. I mean, I already have a Master’s degree. And I said I’d “never” go back to school. Haha, I guess never say never! (Except about a minivan. I’m NEVER getting one of those. NEVER.)
I started my first course in September. My courses are offered one at a time, which is great for us adults with jobs, kids, volunteer work and more. They are only 8 weeks long and that makes them quite intense! There is usually 1 to 2 chapters to read per week, along with a quiz, group project or writing assignment. I’m happy to say that I got As in both of my courses I took this fall!
I’m also happy to say that graduate school has given my life a new purpose. I have a full, busy life being a single mom, but a career that I was passionate about was a big, missing piece. I have always done best in life when I’m working on things that excite me. And without a partner, I have to admit, a lot of this chapter of my life has been BORING. Before my girlfriends get mad at me, let me clarify…You are anything but boring! But you don’t alway have time for Ms. Single Mom. Or you have, but maybe you did not always want to invite the single girl out. I get it. Trust me I do. I was partnered for 24. years. Having this new responsibility has not only given me more to do and more PURPOSE, but has also helped my self-esteem. The best way to improve one’s self-esteem is to learn something new! And my goodness, I’m learning SO MUCH! It also helps that I LOVE the subject matter!
Speaking of self-esteem, something else that I am proud of is how I have put myself out there, been vulnerable and opened myself up to dating. I have yet to have success, but my original goal was 1. go on dates (done) and 2. have zero expectations (also done). So I’ll just keep at it, and hopefully someday I’ll meet my new best friend, the person I can call or text first when something good or bad happens, the person I can go on date night with and the person who can be my +1 at fun events! Fingers and toes are crossed.
One other part of increasing my self-esteem and becoming a rising Phoenix is the care I have done on myself — both inside and out. I continue to find success with Noom. 12 pounds down, a few more to go! I have no problem reading psychology-based articles, logging my food and logging my weight daily. It’s keeping me accountable — to myself! Man, that is such a great feeling. Oh, and I ran a 10k – on a whim – this year too! Thank you to girlfriends for pushing me to believe in myself more!
So, one year ago today I called myself a “Phoenix in Training.” I was not ready to say anything more yet.
Today, I am OK with calling myself a “Phoenix Rising.” Do I still have bad days from time to time? Of course. But they are fewer and my gosh do I bounce back faster from each one. I’m not 100% where I want to be yet, but I’m heck of a lot closer than I was 365 days ago. I’m pretty proud. ♥️
“Life, it could change, it could change in a day La, da-da-da-da, la, da-da-da-da So cherish your years and just roll with the waves La, da-da-da-da, la, da-da-da-da Time doesn’t hear, so roll with the waves,”
~Imagine Dragons, Waves
As suspected, I have not had much time to write any blog posts since I started my counseling program online this fall. I’ve been busy reading, writing, working on group projects and taking quizzes. I have loved every single second of it! So while I miss blogging, I’m thoroughly enjoying this new direction in my life.
Since we are at the start of Thanksgiving week (and I have the week off school), I wanted to take stock of alllllllll the good that I have experienced in 2022. Let’s take a look back…
I have to say, what a difference a year makes! Man, this has been such a good year.
2022 has been the year of the concerts! I had the pleasure of seeing Imagine Dragons (in Pittsburgh for Tommy’s 10th birthday and in London, ON with Canadian friends), Glass Animals in Nashville, NKOTB, OneRepublic, Mat Kearney, The Script, Snow Patrol, Halsey, Our Lady Peace and local shows too! I am beyond grateful for all of these amazing, incredible, joyful experiences. Time stands still for me at concerts. I said yes to every show this year and I have zero regrets.
Kathy and I at Our Lady Peace
2022 has been the year of “baby pink” hair. No, it is not a midlife crisis. But I’ve always looked good in pink, so I added it to my hair! I love it. It’s fun and playful and not over-the-top. New is fun!
(If you are unsure of the phrase on my shirt…you definitely need to check out Ted Lasso.)
2022 has been the year we FINALLY (after nearly 40 years) elected a Democratic majority in Michigan. Women’s bodily autonomy was codified here as well. Thank goodness for some common sense. Now let’s get some gun laws passed and save some lives!!!
Love me some Big Gretch, “that woman from Michigan.”
2022 has been the year of the most fun hangouts with my Royal Oak girl friends. No matter what it was — a birthday, book club meeting, trivia night, drag queen bingo, the school road rally, a backyard barbecue, breakfast, lunch, dinner, brunch, happy hour, Friendsgiving or a party at my house the night my ex got re-married and my darling child donned a tuxedo for the first time — there have been endless smiles and laughs. My heart is full.
We have the BEST neighbors here. Period.
2022 has been the year of self-care. I’m not just talking about pedicures and massages, though I absolutely made time for those. I finally took care of my eyes. Surgery has been life-changing. I had a wake up call early in the year when I was driving at night and had pretty bad double vision. I’m eternally grateful for the team at the Beaumont Eye Institute. Highly recommend if you have ANY eye issues. Surgery was a success, I did fine with anesthesia and recovery was very low-pain.
Whew, it feels good to have had that surgery!
2022 has been the year of NORMALCY! THANK. GOD. FINALLY. I had such a blast being a part of Tommy’s field trips, his field day and his fun run. Both the Fur Ball and Bowl-4-Animal Rescue were in person this year. The Royal Oak City-Wide Block Party returned as well. Tommy and I got the latest Covid boosters! I participated in 5k races again. I’m so lucky to be able to do these things while continuing to work part-time while I am in grad school.
My mom and I at the Fur Ball
2022 has the year of many new beginnings. I applied for, got accepted and started graduate school to begin a new career in counseling. I think I was born to be a counselor. I think I’m going to be really good at it. I have a TON to learn, but I’m more than ready!
Next, I started a new healthy eating plan with Noom. I love that it is based in psychology so I tried it out and I’m so glad I did! I have found it extremely easy to manage and I’m down just shy of 10 pounds. I think I’ll hit the 10 pound mark tomorrow! It has been the slowest and healthiest weight loss plan I have ever attempted and I think slow and steady will win the race. Maintenance is important for me and I truly think this will be a lifelong, healthy change in eating.
Another wonderful “new” beginning — I continue to make new girl friends. I have never lived anywhere longer than where I now live. I love this city so much and I love it even more with each new person I meet. On that note…
And onne more new beginning…I finally got the courage to “swipe right” on dating apps. I am grateful for my therapist gently guiding me through this process and gently nudging me to consider people I may not have if she had not suggested their positive qualities. I have met a few decent people and been on a couple of dates with someone lovely…and emotionally available! Fingers crossed for a continued connection. (Yes I buried the lede with this news. I’m maintaining a balance of ZERO expectations and hopefulness.)I can say this part with confidence – I will never consider someone emotionally unavailable again. This “quality time” girl will not waste her time on anyone unsure of me.
I LOVE this quote and I try to live it all the time as I evolve into the best possible version of me.
So…What are YOU thankful for so far in 2022? What are you looking forward to in 2023? I know we still have a little over a month to go until the new year, but in case I do not have the time to blog again in 2022, I’m asking now!
What will 2023 hold for me? I have a feeling there are going to be REALLY GOOD THINGS. I feel incredibly thankful for all that happened so far this year and just as hopeful for next year. I’m going to continue to roll with the waves.
Oh the holidays. The divorce anniversary. The anniversary of my dad’s death. All these things happen around the same time of year — autumn. These things sometimes can hit me like a semi truck.
While my antidepressant keeps my seasonal affect disorder at bay (YAY!), I still have some big triggers coming up very soon. Some years they pass by with little emotion. Other years, I am a weepy mess.
Before I dig into these triggers, I do want to share some positive updates. First, I have been in my new (well, old, 95-years old to be exact) home for a year now. This was a very important step in redefining my life, post-divorce. Everyone is content here. I naturally miss my old neighbors, but this move was so important. Right-sizing to a home with no bad memories has been incredibly healing. More healing that I could have imagined. Moving to a smaller — but the absolute right size for my family — home also afforded me the amazing opportunity to pay for grad school WITHOUT LOANS, thanks to the proceeds of the sale of our old home. I will be forever grateful. Not having the burden of school loans is something I will NEVER take for granted. Honestly I take NOTHING for granted anymore.
Speaking of grad school…another bit of good news is that I LOVED my first grad school course! The final live class is this Thursday. I loved the course content and working with my group on our group project. I loved my professor, who I have for my next course! And best of all — I have a good grade heading into my final week of class!
So…all is well with regard to part of my new beginnings. Home life – good. Grad school – good.
On to relationships…man, I wish I had something good to report! I have put myself out there over and over again, but I’m still not dating. I even joined not one, but two dating apps. They are, as expected, a dumpster fire so far. There are two extremes — men who seem to only care about their appearance and those who seem to have completely given up. On top of that, there are way too many people who identify as conservative. No thank you. And then there are those who pretend to be someone else — cat fishers. And yes I already got cat fished. I knew from the start he was too good to be true and I proved that within 3 days. When I called him out, he did not even try to defend himself, which honestly is good. BLOCK, loser! I did make one acquaintance who I text with (neither of us is interested in the other, which is fine), but sadly all we have in common is shared crappy experiences on these apps!
That brings me back to my original point. I’m heading into “Lindsay’s hard season.” Halloween is my divorce anniversary. I love Halloween, so that day is not typically a bad day, but this time of year does remind me of when things got finalized / changed forever. Then the following day is the anniversary of my dad’s death. Next, Tommy will be in Virginia with his dad and step mom for Thanksgiving. And of course there is Christmas, which naturally has never been the same since getting divorced. Again, sometimes theses day come and go without any tears.
But for some reason, despite alllllllllllllll the good in my life, I starting thinking of these things ahead of time, maybe not only to attempt to prepare, but also maybe (haha ok not maybe, but definitely) because my mental health likes to remind me how much easier / more joyful all these times would be if I had a nice boyfriend.
So instead of my usual posts, where I attempt of offer my midlife observations and advice, I write to you today, asking for your observations and advice.
What are your best tips to get through these things alone? I’m tired / perhaps a little burned out.
I need / want / greatly appreciate new ideas. Thank you!
New chapter: the one where I only allow people committed to bettering themselves to have access to my personal life and I use my new career as a future therapist to help heal people who want to be healed...
Today I listened to Glennon Doyle’s latest episode of her podcast We Can Do Hard Things. Her guest was Jen Hatmaker. Click here to listen.
Jen and I are obviously different people with different life paths. She’s a best-selling author and has a popular podcast. I obviously do not have those things, but I’ll tell you — I’d love to write a book and have a podcast someday! We do have some big things in common though. Like me, she was with her former life partner for a long, long time. Like me, she met him when she and he were babies. Like me, he unexpectedly cheated and left. Like me, she’s been building her life back. Building back differently — healthier and better — this time.
This episode discussed forgiveness, why NONE of us is safe from betrayal, trusting your body, divorce and the rhythm of rising up. If you are around midlife, this is SO worth a listen. You do not have had to go through what both Jen and I went through to get something out of this episode. As Jen said, “This is a very, very common story arc, just fill it in. It could be health, it could be your career. It could be other relationships that follow this rhythm.”
At the beginning of the podcast, Glennon and Jen talked about how long it had been since Jen’s marital chapter ended and the next chapter begun. They talked about how our bodies seem to know before our hearts and minds do. I can completely attest to this. One thing I have learned throughout this process of finding myself again and starting Act Two of my life is that my gut is always right. It has always been right and it will always be right. We need to listen to our bodies when they tell us something is off. I knew before I found out about my then-husband’s infidelity that something was…wrong. Trust your gut folks. Trust your body.
Even to this day, I know when things are not “right” for me. And it’s not just the obvious physical effects from things like anxiety or depression (blood pressure, racing mind, shortness of breath, tiredness, you name it). If I’m having joint pain or heartburn or insomnia, yes, sometimes it’s just physical. Other times, it’s totally my body telling me to PAY ATTENTION to what is going on in my world! Glennon shared that before she found out about the infidelity in her marriage, she was in bed for a year with an autoimmune disease. I will NEVER doubt my body again. Jen says honoring what your body is telling is a part of recovery. I agree. This is about trusting your instincts. Finally.
Another part of healing is noticing patterns. Jen noticed that she had a level of armor on to protect herself. Her armor was “NOT being sensitive.” She would tell her family things like “It’s not as bad as you think it is,” or “It’s fine.” Jen said this armor was not only hard to be married to, but was no longer serving her in general.
In my healing, I have also noticed my patterns. Patterns I do not wish to repeat. Patterns of putting up with less than what I deserved. Patterns of people pleasing. Patterns of sometimes feeling like a martyr and sometimes feeling resentment. Guess what? These things were no longer serving me either.
Recognizing these things is me taking responsibility for my place in my marriage. I may not have cheated or moved away, but the marriage did not exist in a vacuum. Are any of us perfect? Of course not. But am I committed to growth and not repeating those things in a future relationship? Abso-freaking-lutely.
Jen also talked about her old narrative. She would say things like ‘If something’s wrong, it’s all wrong.’ That kind of black and white thinking needs to go in the trash. I used to be a bit like that. I used to think people could not or would not change. How hilarious! Look at how much I have changed in the last few years! I almost do not recognize my old self. Now I’m so much more open to life being lived in the gray.
Another part of the podcast touched on old narratives. For a very long time, Glennon (like me) never thought she would get divorced. Her child called her out on it, just like mine did, after finding out it was in fact happening. I had to tell my son that I had not lied when I told him that his dad and I would never get divorced. I believed it with my entire being. It was only brought up once when he found out a neighbor’s parent were getting divorced.
My other narrative was that divorce was going to be the worst thing ever for my son. Of course it was not. His dad’s love for him did not change. My love for my son did not change. Only our family structure did. So while I once could not believe it, I now I know divorce is without a doubt nowhere near the worst thing that could happen to a child. Part of this is accepting what Glennon said, “We never know what things are going to look like.” I used to think I had my whole life planned out. How ambitious, but also how naive and how boring! I cannot properly share how excited I am to be starting graduate school soon and then starting a new career as a therapist! I could not have envisioned that even just a year ago! A year ago I was looking at homes so I could downsize! I had no clear picture of what career to pursue! A lot of self-reflection and work went into finding the right path.
Being open to new beginnings and uncertainty is actually safer for us. Being open allows us to not be so damn rigid and prone to heartbreak. I’m still working on this, but I know this is way healthier than my old way of thinking. Jen talked about this with regard to infidelity and divorce and her children, but noted that the exact details of pain and loss don’t matter. She said, “None of us are exceptional. I’m telling you, none, nobody. Nobody is impervious to loss, to change, to trauma finally rearing its ugly head. None, zero. There’s no protection, none. There isn’t one…(but) no matter what happens, you will be loved. We will love each other. We will still belong to one another in this world no matter what the arrangement looks like.”
The same goes for forgiveness. It’s 100% an inside job. Jen said, “I am responsible for me. I am not responsible for what someone else does, says, thinks, chooses. I’m not responsible. I am responsible for my words, my responses, what I decide to believe, what I decide to hang onto, what I decide to release. That’s all mine. And so it’s not true that we’re always powerless, that we are just at the whims of what somebody else does to us. It feels that way for a minute, it does. It’s tempting to lean into a victim model because also that plays better because it’s easy to be sympathetic toward a victim. It’s easy to rally the troops to your side. It’s just neater. It’s neater and it lacks nuance. And I that’s my favorite thing, I love it. Can it just be completely black and white where I am the hero? I love that story.” But that story does not serve our healing. And Jen knows this. She added, “You’re going to have to pick up every one of these shattered pieces and figure out what to do them by yourself.” THIS is the crux of healing. No one can do do it for you. Forgiveness is also a key part of letting go.
What I have learned through this “building back differently” process is that I now want to better myself for the rest of my life. I want ALL people in my life — friends, family, etc., not just people who might be in my life romantically — to do the same. That’s the silver lining of hitting rock bottom when a long-term relationship ends. You are forced to look at your old ways and say “No more!” By forcing yourself to really examine yourself and really do the work to heal, then you can stop yourself from repeating past mistakes. (I do wonder if Jen’s and my ex can say they did that. I kinda doubt it.)
So, to sum things up…in Act Two, I want to keep growing and evolving by continuing to shed old, shitty patterns, continuing to listen to my body, continuing to keep a more open mind about life and by trusting the rhythm of rising up…slowly, but surely.
Loved ones, please be patient with me while I rise. Like Jen said, “I’m learning to not be super judgmental toward every iteration of myself in this process.” And go listen to this podcast. It’s pretty epic. ❤
P.S. I start grad school soon. This may be my last blog for a little while. I promise to be back. I’m just not sure when! I’m officially a Counselor in Training!
OMG I have just HAD IT with grief. I do not want to grieve ever again. I do not want to lose anyone or anything from my life any more! OK, I know that it not realistic, but what is realistic is that I just need a damn break from sadness. Recently, a friendship came to an end. I do not take friendship lightly and I cared a LOT for this person, so this ending has been hurting my soul so very much. I hate endings. I wanted to be friends with this person long-term.
Given my recent history, I now do everything to prevent good things from ending. Endings are so, so hard. But I know I cannot control much in life. If someone shows me with their words and actions that they do not want me in their life, I can accept that. But let me be real as always — it hurts like hell.
I’m a low-maintenance person. Some would say too low maintenance. But I’m not a doormat. So I thought compiling my basic requirements to be my friend / have access to my life would be a healthy exercise for me.
DISCLAIMER: If you are going through a particularly hard chapter of your life, you get a pass on ALL OF THIS, as I would hope you offer a pass to me. I’m all about giving grace. OK, here we go:
-Talk to me on social media. Unless you are not on social media at all, I want you to interact with me, like friends should. I keep it real on social media. You are not just getting my highlight reel. I want friends who are there for me through the good and the bad. You DO NOT need to comment on or like all my posts. I know I post a lot and I know not everything I post will matter to you. I just want to know that we’re friends.
-Talk to me offline. Text, call, hang out. This seems super basic. But quality time is what matters most to me. You give me your time? You are my friend.
-Initiate some of said communication and hang outs. (We both need to initiate). It cannot only be me. I can’t do one-sided ANYTHING ever again in my life. It’s too hard on me.
-PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE try to take care of your mental health. I fully admit that mine is a continual work in progress, but hurt people really do hurt other people. You may not mean to, but you can most definitely hurt me when you are hurting. The person I recently had to end a friendship with hurt me.
-Do not gossip. If I cannot trust you, then what is the point?
-Do not keep big secrets from me. Actively being private does not work with friendships. I have been lied to, had secrets kept from me and was cheated on by the person I was closest to in life. Do I need to know your deepest, darkest shameful thoughts / stories? Of course not. But do not deceive me. I think you can understand the nuance here.Share your life with me.
–Follow up to the last couple points…Do not keep me at arm’s length. We are either friends and we can be vulnerable with each other or we are not. Life is too short for half-assed friendships. Either you are all in…or you are not. If you cannot trust me, then you really do not know me. My integrity is a core part of my identity.
-Be honest about your needs and wants. I am not a mind reader.
-Be genuinely happy for me if something good happens. While I get that we ALL can feel envious from time to time, if you cannot feel happy for me when, say, I get into grad school and make NO mention of it, then yeah, we are probably not meant to be friends. I’m clawing my way back to normalcy and while no job will be a magic bullet to happiness for me, it will be a means to an end — a new career, one that will help others, and it will help me keep a roof over my head, my kiddo’s head and my pets’ heads. I do not need some grand gesture, but a “good job” would suffice. I truly had no idea if I would get in after being out of college for over 20 years.
-Do not make assumptions about me. You have a question or a concern? Communicate it with me! Or if you are going to make an assumption, make it a good one. I’m a kind person who wants the best for my friends.
I basically just follow the “reverse golden rule.” I try to not allow others to treat me in ways I would not treat someone else.
Thanks to Erica Carulli for sharing this graphic.
P.S. I’m 99% certain the person who I’m no longer friends with will read this. But if they do, I wish them healing, peace and happiness. Thank you for the good times. They meant a lot to me.
I finished This Is Us today. My gosh, what a brilliant, relatable and MAGICAL show. If that television program taught me anything, it is that there is no “picture perfect” definition of a family. There is no definition at all…except people who love each other.
Over 6 seasons, the characters and stories illustrated that families have so many varieties and they are all beautiful…birth parents, adopted parents, step parents, divorced families, single parents, straight kids, gay kids, white family members, black family members, family members estranged for many years, and on and on.
Just like some of the characters on This Is Us, my family looks different than I planned. I got married with the plan that it was for life. I especially never envisioned a divorce after getting pregnant with my son! In my perfect world, there would be one more person in my family. That person could be another male figure in Tommy’s life…And that person is who I’d get to go on dates with once in a while! Ultimately at this point, I’m good with what my family looks like. If this is as good as it gets, then I’ll kick the shit out of my Plan B.Acceptance is key.
Ever since the day I announced on this blog that I was going through a divorce, countless people have reached out to me. They often would say that they were going through the same thing as me, but they did not want to post about it publicly. Still, they appreciated me having the courage / making the choice to do so. We would commiserate. Lately, some say they are considering divorce, but they are scared of the financial repercussions. They are also scared of co-parenting or time lost with their children.
Here are the lessons I try to impart upon them:
First, I had ZERO say in my divorce. ZERO. My (then) husband sat me down one day, read me a goodbye letter and that was it. He left our home immediately, never to sleep there again. Less than 2 weeks later, he had moved about 700 miles away to be with the woman he left me for. Lesson: If I can go through an unexpected divorce and come out healthier than I was before, YOU CAN DO IT with your planned divorce!The actual divorce process can SUCK, but when it is over, you can start your next chapter.I promise you will be OK.
Second, co-parenting has been the biggest blessing of my divorce. While I was married, I had no real life balance. My life revolved around my child. My husband worked extremely long hours and 99.9% of the parenting duties were on me. Now my kiddo sees his father more than he did when we were married and I do have an amazing life balance. Lesson: NEVER assume co-parenting will be a nightmare. It will probably provide you with the balance you always wanted but did not have. Also, kids deserve to see both of their parents as healthy as possible, not stuck in a toxic marriage.You do not want them thinking that is what love is.
Third is the financial stuff. I fully acknowledge that many do not have the financial privilege I have coming out of my divorce. We were able to divide our assets without a ton of strife, and without even going to mediation. But no matter the situation you are in, there is a reason you hire divorce lawyers. They will make certain laws are followed. Lesson: A good divorce lawyer is worth the money it will cost to divide assets.
It took me some time to make peace with what my family looks like now. But here is the deal. Just like This Is Us showed us, families are not only a mom, a dad and kids. The Pearsons were still the Pearsons, no matter the circumstance. (No spoilers for anyone who has not watched it!) Family is HOWEVER we define it. I love my 2-person, 3-pet family. Oh and yes, friends are family too. I’m thankful the universe always fills in the gaps.
I finally lost it on my run today, just as I ran past my child’s school. Up until then, I had been angry and frankly, numb. It just had not hit me yet that TEN years after the Sandy Hook massacre that we had another school massacre. How could we let this happen AGAIN?! So many of you have asked how you can help decrease gun violence in America. Here is what I have to say…
From Buffalo to Uvalde, we are witnessing the violent, dystopian world that the gun lobby has created and our lawmakers have enabled. We hear the same thoughts and prayers over and over again, but it doesn’t save lives and it doesn’t change laws. Ultimately, it all leads to the same thing: lives lost at the hands of preventable gun violence. We deserve to feel safe dropping our kids off at school, going to the grocery store, walking down the street, attending a concert, going about our lives. The Senate must take action.
Thoughts are prayers are not bulletproof. It is time to honor with action.
Gun violence is the leading cause of death for children and teens in the U.S. This is a crisis unique to the United States. Parents across the developed world kiss their kids goodbye as they head off to school and don’t have to give it a second thought, because no other country has been held hostage by a gun industry that is getting rich off the deaths of our children. In the U.S., we have nearly 400 million guns flooding our streets, homes, and schools – and gun violence can strike anywhere any time.
Peer-reviewed research shows that when states weaken their permitting systems, violent crime rates rise by 13-15%, handgun homicide rates increase 11%, and firearm homicides increase by 7% in urban counties.
And Americans ages 18 to 20 commit 18% of all gun homicides, while making up only 4% of the US population.
Let those numbers sink in. We have to fix this. We owe it to our children and to all Americans.
The Senate has failed to do their jobs for decades. What will finally convince them to act? How many more children have to die, how many more mothers, fathers, teachers, churchgoers, lives must be taken for our leaders to do something? Any senator who remains hostage to the gun lobby, who blocks life-saving change, is choosing carnage and gun industry profits over the precious lives of our children.
We are only as safe as the states with the weakest gun laws.
So, as many of you have asked me, what can we do?
This fall’s election may very well be the most important one of our lifetimes. We need to flip some seats from people who vote to do NOTHING on gun violence (typically Republicans) to people who actually want to solve this epidemic (typically Democrats). Start donating time and money to them. Right now. Yes, now. Today. You can donate money, make calls for them, knock doors for them and/or do data entry for them. If we get a “gun sense” majority (a majority of elected officials who will vote the way we need them to), we can FINALLY start saving lives. We need to VOTE OUT folks who will not curb gun violence and VOTE IN folks who will! That takes our time volunteering and/or money to help them get the word out. If you need help choosing who to support, please contact me personally. Simply comment on this blog and I will be more than happy to assist!
To those of you new to this fight, start donating time and money to a gun violence prevention organization. I’m partial to Moms Demand Action because they are the largest and most powerful. To get involved with Moms, text the word READY to 64433. You will be asked to share your zip code and then you will get invitations to the events closest to you. Moms Demand Action was founded by a mom and is open to ANY American, including responsible gun owners who are sick of gun violence in America. (If Brady or Giffords or Sandy Hook Promise speak to you more, by all means, please go help them. If you are a student, definitely check out Students Demand Action or March For Our Lives.)
To those of you NOT new to this fight, PLEASE take mental health breaks as needed. We need you in this for the long run.
If you are a student, you can participate in a national walkout tomorrow, May 26th at Noon Eastern / 9am Pacific. Visit www.StudentsDemandAction.org for complete information.
Lock up all guns in your home. If you need a free gun lock, go to your city’s police station. If they do not have any, go to your county sheriff’s office. If they do not have any, buy one on Amazon. They are around 10 bucks. For complete information on gun safety, please visit www.BeSMARTforKids.org. Also please check out https://everytownresearch.org/solution/responsible-gun-storage/.
Do NOT be swayed by calls for more metal detectors, more police, more armed guards, or more active shooter drills that do little more than terrorize kids and staff. Read up on what the best, data-driven, peer-reviewed solutions are, and don’t let misinformation go unchecked.
Do not judge how others grieve. Meet them where they are.
Do have the difficult conversations with family and friends who think nothing can be done. We can decrease gun violence and we have made some incremental change. It is truly a very slow process and tragically people are dying in the meantime. Check out https://momsdemandaction.org/about/victories/ for a little hope. You can see all the good bills volunteers have had a hand in passing and all the bad bills they have had a hand in defeating!
Lastly, educate yourself on solutions. Here is a short list of solutions that will keep our kids safe: ● Background checks: Nobody should be allowed to purchase a gun without a background check. Period. ● Red flags: Every community needs to have a Red Flag law that gives them a tool to temporarily remove guns (from two weeks to one year) from someone who has shown clear warning signs that they pose a danger to themselves or others. (This is what Florida needed to prevent the Parkland tragedy. Now Florida has a Red Flag law. Yes, VERY Republican Florida. If they can do it, so can all other states!) ● A Leader for ATF: The agency that enforces our gun laws and proactively shuts off the pipeline of illegal guns has been kneecapped for 20 years and the Senate needs to give it the resources it needs and confirm Steve Dettelbach as Director so it can do its job. ● Regulate Assault Weapons: We need to take a long, hard look at how assault weapons are made, marketed and sold to keep these weapons of war off of our streets and out of the hands of violent extremists. ● Raise the age to purchase a gun: The law already prevents anyone under 21 from buying a handgun from a gun dealer but teenagers and reckless youth have no business owning an assault weapon and we should raise the age to purchase these weapons across the country. ● Repeal PLCAA: The gun industry has had a get out of jail free card for too long. It’s time for the gun industry to face the same kind of accountability as every other manufacturer of consumer products for its role in the gun violence crisis – and lose its special protection.
Have any follow up questions? Reach out. And hug your loved ones tonight.
Lindsay Warren's Blog 