Everyone Hurts Sometimes.

No one wins the Misery Olympics.

What is the Misery Olympics? It is comparing your struggles to others who are sharing their own struggles. It is often used to undermine the importance of someone’s struggle, or to make someone who feels miserable look like they are exaggerating their pain or are weak for complaining.

I used to “compete” in the Misery Olympics. I have mentioned this in my blog before. I was an exhausted new mom and it was not a proud life chapter. I am still ashamed of that behavior. I even lost a friendship for a number of years because of it. It was so shameful. My behavior was not excusable by any means. My behavior was because I was not caring for my mental health. I can now promise you this:

1. I will never, ever compete in the Misery Olympics again. It’s selfish and tone deaf and just…rude as hell.
2. I will spend the rest of my life trying to do better and not treat my friends the way I did then.
3. I will always take responsibility for my healing, my mental health and being my advocate and my best friend first. If I am in charge of my mental health and happiness, I can be happy for others as well. I can honor THEIR pain by NOT belittling it and by validating it.

All of us have been through a lot lately. We lived through a very long global pandemic. We were extremely isolated. We missed out on a lot of life. Loved ones died. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I have friends with chronic physical pain….friends who have lost their jobs….friends who have lost babies and children…friends who have gotten divorced or want to get divorced…friends with fertility issues…friends who have been raped…friends who want to but to, but cannot find love again. This is a small sample of examples.

One smart friend recently said to me, “How we get on with our lives is a choice.” This is such a powerful statement. We get one, precious life. Are you going to spend the rest of your life pissed off / sad / resentful because of your trauma? Or are you going to try to make the best of the hands you were dealt? No one has to “get over” trauma such as a loved one who died by suicide or homicide. All of our trauma is valid. Trauma is not a choice. Healing is our responsibility.

Another smart friend recently said, “I know everyone handles life differently, but I want happiness and joy every single day. It’s a short journey and this is spoken by someone in the last chapter.” I also want happiness and joy every single day.

Healing looks different for everyone. For some it might be therapy and meds. For others it might be yoga and journaling. There is no one “best” way to do it. Whatever healing looks like for an individual is not relevant. What matters is that they are working toward feeling better. And while grief is not linear, we should not give up the fight to find our “new normal.”

Do I have bad days? You know I do. But the difference between the earlier version of me and the version of me that I have evolved into by taking care of my mental health is vastly different. Now I do not DWELL on my pain for long. I feel it, I honor it and then I MOVE ON. I get up every day and do my best to make it a good day, a good life.

I think you should too.

Wounded Healer

My shero Glennon Doyle often talks about the importance of knowing your vision of a truer, more beautiful world.

This vision might be a more peaceful world with less war. This vision might be a world where the earth and animals are treated with more compassion. This vision might be the fall of the patriarchy. This vision might be racial justice.

My vision of a truer, more beautiful world is me helping people heal.

This fall, I being my journey to become a therapist. Yes, I was accepted into graduate school! I will enter a 3-year, online program to receive a Master’s of Counseling from Central Michigan University. When I have completed this program, I will become a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC).

It has taken me a little while to realize this was the next step for me. Initially I was intimidated. I still am to a degree (no pun intended). I completed my first Master’s degree in 2001 — over 20 years ago! But through soul searching, journaling, meditation and of course my own therapy, I can no longer deny that this is absolutely the right path for me.

I am by nature a very impatient person. When I decide I want something, I admit I want it quickly. And three years seems like a long time for this program. But I have so much to learn and I know the time investment will be worth it. I also have my part-time job helping animals, my volunteer role helping reduce gun violence…and oh yeah, I’m a full-time single mom! So this part-time graduate school program is exactly what I need / what I can handle.

I also am seeing how, piece by piece, I am putting my life back together. I’m seeing that all this would be less meaningful if it happened more quickly or more easily. I see that if I had not moved out of my old home and right-sized to my current one, I would have had to take out loans for graduate school. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have this specific financial privilege. Instead of focusing on what I lost / the heartbreak, I’m trying very hard to focus on what I have gained. I get to determine my future now. One step at a time, Lindsay. One step at a time. As my therapist said to me today, this is freedom.

Yes I have been wounded. And yes I am not yet fully healed. But I am making good progress. I had a very specific identity – Rich’s partner – for nearly 24 years. I have been working very hard for 3+ years to redefine my wounded self from this former identity. At the core of this work has been me knowing I needed AND DESERVED to go to therapy and eventually, to take an antidepressant. These two things — therapy being the most powerful part — have given me a new lease on life. When you go through sometime traumatic, your perspective changes. I now know these wounds and life experience will help me heal others in a way I never could have been able to before.

I find meaning in helping others. I also acknowledge not everyone wants help. Not everyone wants to address their demons or trauma. Not everyone wants solutions. I think everyone deserves therapy regardless. In this new career, I will help those who want to help themselves. What a beautiful win/win.

When I become a Licensed Professional Counselor, I want to empower others to heal themselves. I want them to see themselves the way I see them. I want them to fully see their potential. We are all enough just as we are.

I want to give my future clients the tools to see their way to a truer, more beautiful world for themselves.

Specifically, I want to help adults lesson their anxiety and depression and increase their self-esteem. I want to help couples better their relationships. I want to help people heal from trauma. I want to help people through hard life transitions. I want to help people alleviate issues like body dysmorphia. I want to provide a non-judgmental space for people to be themselves and to tell their truths.

A quote from the Talmud (a Jewish law book) says: “If you have saved one life, you have saved the world.”

Don’t forget to save yourself too.

I cannot wait to listen to you. I cannot wait to help you with whatever life has thrown at you. I cannot wait to help you change your outlook on life. I cannot wait to be there for you and others in a more powerful way than I ever have been able to…VERY SOON!

~With love and gratitude,
Your Counseling in Training, Lindsay

Progress

A girl friend who I really look up to texted me today somewhat out of the blue. She said, “You know, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what you said last week about seeing your own part in your marriage. And I know that I don’t have the same experience at all, yet I still wanted to tell you how damned proud I am of how far you’ve traveled in the few years I’ve known you. And that all your progress, reluctant and eager, is seen & noticed by others. It’s really quite a thing. Keep going!”

If I had not been in the middle of an ice arena the moment that I read that, I would have legitimately burst into tears. And it would not be tears of sadness. It would have been tears from feeling so freaking flattered. Sometimes it is hard to see your progress when you are the one living it day by day.

But she’s right. This healing journey has been amazing. Having my life turned upside down was not just traumatic. It has been TRANSFORMATIVE. I have had to examine every iota of my life. And yes part of that is taking ownership of my role in my former partnership.

Did I do a lot in my marriage that I’m proud of? Damn straight I did. I gave it my all, loving my ex with all my heart. As many of you know, when I love something, I give that passion a 110% effort. And I sure did that with my marriage. I did the lion’s share of the physical work, 99% of the parenting and 100% of the mental load. I also fought like hell to save my marriage when the infidelity bomb was dropped on me.

Did I cheat and lie and keep secrets and move away? Of course not. But the marriage did not happen in a vacuum. We very slowly grew apart from each other.

There are things I’m not proud of that I want to admit to finally. I did not always do all the work I did for my ex and for my son without resentment. And that’s not very healthy.

I also sacrificed my career, the career I got a Master’s degree in, for his career. There was sometimes resentment there also.

I have also come to accept that me not working full-time after my son was born was a deal breaker for my ex. He did not communicate that to me, (and I would still have pushed back given my desire to be home with Tommy as well as some other factors), but a deal breaker is a deal breaker. That was clearly his. That’s fine. We are all allowed deal breakers.

Lastly, it is so very vulnerable for me to admit this publicly…but “Miss Positive” was sometimes a martyr, a personality trait I absolutely ABHOR. Eek, it’s SO HARD admitting this out loud. I’m doing my best to forgive myself for not going to therapy to fix this sooner.

I can say with the utmost confidence that these things will not happen again. When you lose almost EVERYTHING you thought your life would be, you learn from your mistakes pretty quickly.

SO…where do I go from here? I continue to take things one day at a time. I try to give myself grace. I continually try to forgive my past self. I try so hard to have patience and hope. I try to believe that I’ll be given a second chance at love. I try every damn day to look FORWARD, not back. I’m also hoping to go back to school this fall to get a new career that is all mine and this time won’t be sacrificed. It’s a 3-year program, which means Tommy would be the perfect age when I would be going back to work full-time. (More on that in a new blog if I get in!)

I have made a promise to myself that I will not make the same mistakes that I made when I was younger. If I am offered that second chance that I want so very badly, I will make a SMARTER effort every day. I will communicate my needs and desires more effectively. I will continue ALL of my mental health self care — therapy, meds, journaling, blogging, exercising, getting out in nature with my dog, reading, listening to podcasts — working on being a better person indefinitely. I owe it to myself and to whoever I might have the opportunity to be in a partnership with in the future to take care of myself first so I can truly be the best possible partner (not to mention friend, daughter, mother, etc).

Through this work of healing, I also know that I’ll demand more from that possible partner, because frankly what I had before was not an equal partnership.

What I have learned is that we should always be evolving to a be a better version of ourselves than the day before…because the other side of healing can be magical.

Why Are We So Hard On Ourselves?

The other day a friend going through a divorce texted me a question. I responded to her with what I thought was just a few words and she replied to me, “You sound so healthy.”

I don’t know why this touched me so much or why I was surprised to hear it, but it made me ponder. Why are we so hard on ourselves? I re-read my response and yes, I *do* sound healthy. Because I am! I have bad days and midlife baggage and yes – I admit it – trust issues. But I am SO self aware now. Why did I have to read my message again to agree with what she said?

Today, I received a copy of my college transcripts. I’m going to apply to get a Master’s in Counseling. (Wish me luck please. Change is hard and scary!) I looked at my undergraduate grades and my graduate school grades and I genuinely was floored at how good they were. (OK, NOT economics. That class was my nemesis.) Damn. Why did I not see how awesome I was 20-some years ago when I earned those grades? And while there is nothing wrong with humility (I’m super humble clearly), there must be a balance!

I am not one of those people who are naturally smart, but when I’m passionate about something, I’m ALL IN. I put in the effort needed to succeed. And that is reflected in those GREAT grades I saw today. (I’m talking like Dean’s List great.) Why at the time did I think I was so damn average? Why did I feel like my mentor believed in me more than I did? What the heck?

I saw those grades today and thought, damnit, I *can* totally go back to school and get another Master’s! Why did I hesitate initially?

Research shows the number one barrier to self-compassion is fear of being complacent and losing your edge. But research shows that’s not true. It’s just the opposite.

Self-compassion can lead to greater achievement than self-criticism ever could.” Credit: NYT

Why is someone like me, who shows compassion so easily to others, one who struggles to sometimes give it to myself? Is it because of social media? Nope. There was NO social media back when I was in college (thank God). Is it because I don’t have my dad, one of my biggest cheerleaders, anymore? Nope. He was around when I got those grades. Is it because I’m divorced? Nope. I’m more resilient than ever thanks to *that* baggage. Is it because I’m comparing myself to others? Maybe in the past. But certainly not now. Since I have been divorced and have done so much self work, the only person I try to compare myself to now is myself in the past. So what is it then? Is is low self-esteem? Turns out it may not be! Is it my inner monologue? Quite possibly.

An article from Inc. talks about negativity bias. (You can read it here.) This is intriguing to me. The brain essentially reacts more to negative input than positive. How could that be for me, Miss Positive? I am not a cave woman! Here’s the thing — we all have trauma and baggage in our life and of course our brain is trying to protect us! Too bad it’s actually doing the opposite.

This is why I’m so passionate about therapy. Not just for a future career, but for MYSELF. I know that I need to keep seeing my therapist. It’s so important to talk to an impartial third party who will call you out on the bullshit in your head sometimes. Some people will say, “That is what friends are for.” And friends are indeed important. But they are in no way impartial or unbiased.

Everyone deserves a therapist in their life.

And I’m so excited at the possibility of becoming one. I want to help others and turn my pain into purpose. But I also am so excited to really dive deep into how the brain works and know that this future understanding can do nothing but help me!

So…what can the average person do? Not every human NEEDS therapy and not every human wants to be one either!

Here are a few tips that I like best about how to not be so hard on ourselves:

1. Do NOT compare yourself to anyone other than the version of yourself from yesterday. We are all unique and we all have something to offer.
2. Have a filter — filter out the bullshit inner monologue. Filter out the thought that you are not worthy. We are ALL worthy.
3. Find at least one person (a therapist, neighbor, mentor) who can be an neutral “reality check” for you. This person should be the one cheerleader we all deserve so we can do what I just did — remind ourselves that we are in fact pretty extraordinary, no matter what our brain tells us.
4. NEVER forget that challenges in life not only make you stronger. Dr. Benjamin Hardy said you must re-frame the idea that all things happen TO you to the idea that many things happen FOR you.
5. Last, and most importantly…Let yourself suck at something for a while. I just watched a very moving memorial for an incredible young man. His father concluded the celebration of life by saying, “Create things. Even if they suck. Especially if they suck. That is how things start. Put things in the world that didn’t exist the day before.” ♥️

What would you add to this list?

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Yesterday marked one year since the only man I’ve ever loved, the man I grew up with, went to college and grad school with, got married to in the middle of a huge, multi-state blackout, built a life together with, had a child with, adopted numerous pets with, experienced painful deaths with and the man I was with for nearly 24 years, read me a goodbye letter and moved out of our home forever.

It was traumatic and unexpected. 2019 was a year spent in survival mode. I have never cried more. I’ve never felt more rage, more despair, more confusion. I’ve never been more lost. But I am still alive. And I’m doing a heck of a job raising an amazing kid.

I’m marking today as the first day of the rest of my life. I slept in for the first time in a longggg time, I went to cycle class for the first time since I recently broke my toe, I had lunch with some fabulous, local buddies, I walked the dog and now I’m chilling on my couch writing to you.

2019 was an incredibly rough year. With tough times comes tough growth. I compiled some important reminders:

1. I know I have said this before, but we are in charge of our own happiness. Figure out what lights you on fire. Figure out what helps you get lost in the moment. Do the activities you feel passionate about. Another person or another city are not magic bullets to happiness. Those things can be a bonus to your happiness, but you must be at peace with yourself and love yourself first and foremost to experience true happiness. This also goes for healing. You are in charge of it. Get therapy if you need it. Get meds if you need them. Find a creative outlet. Get exercise to get those endorphins going. Do not give up. Keep going until you heal. Do not run away from your problems. Run toward them and tackle them head on.

2. Integrity is everything. Even Tommy at age 7 knows what it means. “Mom, we learned about integrity at school. It means doing the right thing when no one is watching.” Without integrity, what do you even stand for? Do what you say and say what you do.

3. Take nothing for granted — not love, not family, not friendships, not physical health, not mental health. Appreciate what you have every day. Even on the worst days, find something you appreciate. Life is fleeting. Anything you have today could be gone tomorrow. Tell the people you love that you love them — all the time.

4. Know that the world owes you nothing. Hopefully what you put into it is what you get in return. Patience is key. Hope is key.

5. Do not sweat the small stuff. 99.99% is the small stuff.

6. Do not take things personally. People act the way they act because of their own personal sh*t. I love this quote: “Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else’s war against themselves,” ~Lauren Eden.

7. No one is ever too busy. If you are a priority, they will make time for you. The gift of your time is more powerful than any material item you could give me.

8. Nothing in life will be unhappy forever. Life is a roller coaster and if you are in a rough patch, remember that it may take a long time, but there can be moments of joy again.

9. Lower your expectations when dealing with others. You’ll be let down less. However, do not lower your standards.

10. When people leave, let them leave. Never beg someone to stay somewhere they do not want to stay.

11. We cannot control others. All we can do is control our reaction to them. Detach your own baggage as much as possible, and you’ll react less and less to others.

12. The only way out of grief is through it. Cry when you need to cry. Scream when you need to scream. Call a friend. Write a blog. Go for a run. Meditate. Do not bottle grief up. That won’t end well. Grief will wait for you.

13. Nothing in life is perfect and that is OK. Perfectionism is a defense mechanism. Don’t fall into that trap. Love people for being perfectly imperfect.

14. Express your needs or you will end up resentful.

15. Know your intrinsic value. Even when you are going through challenging times, you are always enough, just as you are.

16. Stop trying to get others to understand you. If they cannot or will not, just move on. Let them be “right.”

17. Don’t be phony. Own who you are. We are complex beings. Example — I am a liberal feminist who is also sensitive and I love with my whole heart. I’m extremely blunt (like my dad was, God rest his soul) and also extremely kind.

18. Find at least one way to laugh every day. Laughter is the best medicine.

19. While someone’s money, social status and job title are often reflections of hard work and good effort, how they treat others is more important.

20. Do not fear alone time. Re-frame it as solitude and get to know yourself better.

21. Break the cycle. I don’t care if “that’s just the way it has always been.” NO. Everyone has some level of trauma. That is life. End the dysfunction. Make that one of your legacies.

22. Let the past go and don’t beat yourself up thinking of ways you could have done things differently. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had. If you do not feel resilient, you can learn it. Yes, resilience CAN be learned.

23. Treat people the way you want to be treated. You cannot do ugly things to people and expect to live a beautiful life.

24. You can do hard things. Take it one day at a time. Baby steps.

Bonus reminder: Everything I need to know about a person is determined by whether or not they like animals. (Example: The current inhabitant of the Oval Office)

Here’s to a new decade. Here’s to new beginnings. Here’s to healing.