Perspective

Every November I make a point of practicing daily gratitude on Facebook. You may know that I try to practice gratitude 365 days a year, but the truth is…I don’t always remember, nor do I *always* put a ton of thought into it. But every November, I make certain I am intentional about thankfulness every single day. Some days I write something easy and obvious, like my gratitude and love for my child, for my mom, for my friends, for music. Today I was inspired to write a blog post.

Today, I feel such gratitude for time, space and most of all, perspective. Time, space and perspective in the past three years have given me some clarity about long-term relationships:

-Chemistry is not quite enough, as delicious as it is.
-Even love alone is not enough, as hard a pill as that is to swallow.

Yes, with time, space and perspective, I finally realize that a true partnership requires more than what my ex and I had in our marriage.

With time and space and perspective, I have learned that a long-term, healthy partnership requires a commitment to bring out the best in each other. It makes each other better humans simply by being in each other’s lives. It requires the ability to inspire each other to never stop growing and evolving. It requires open and vulnerable communication. Maybe most of all – a healthy partnership requires us to work on ourselves and never stop. Self-awareness is key. Self-love and acceptance are too. Those things are what makes a partnership thrive and last. And of course, chemistry and love matter too. 😉

Time, space and perspective have allowed me to realize that my ex and I no longer brought out the best in each other. We did not grow together. We may have grown up alongside each other, but we grew apart while evolving. We were not supporting each other the way healthy partners do. While I know I did my best with what I knew at the time, I now know more. And when you know better, you do better. (Thank you therapy, meds and a whole lot of other self-help work!)

If I’m ever granted the opportunity and privilege of having a life partner in the future, this I know for sure. I know I will not take one moment for granted. I know I will not take him for granted. I know I will support his goals and dreams and evolution as a human because I have learned how to do this for myself. I know I will openly communicate my wants and needs (because I’ve always done that). I know I will never stop working on myself. I won’t be starting from scratch. I will be starting from experience. I won’t make the same mistakes twice. I will never not be thankful for a second chance. And I know it will be the most amazing experience — better than I can even imagine…because second chances are magical.

So many songs have spoken to me in this new chapter of my life. Here is one example…

“Happiness” lyrics, by Taylor Swift:

“Honey, when I’m above the trees
I see this for what it is
But now I’m right down in it
All the years I’ve given
Is just shit we’re dividing up
Showed you all of my hiding spots
I was dancing when the music stopped
And in the disbelief
I can’t face reinvention
I haven’t met the new me yet
There’ll be happiness after you
But there was happiness because of you
Both of these things can be true
There is happiness
Past the blood and bruise
Past the curses and cries
Beyond the terror in the nightfall
Haunted by the look in my eyes
That would’ve loved you for a lifetime
Leave it all behind
And there is happiness
Tell me, when did your winning smile
Begin to look like a smirk?
When did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt?
I hope she’ll be a beautiful fool
Who takes my spot next to you
No, I didn’t mean that
Sorry, I can’t see facts through all of my fury
You haven’t met the new me yet
There’ll be happiness after me
But there was happiness because of me
Both of these things I believe
There is happiness
In our history
Across our great divide
There is a glorious sunrise
Dappled with the flickers of light
From the dress I wore at midnight
Leave it all behind
And there is happiness”

Perspective is everything. What do you think? Did I miss anything when it comes to healthy relationships? Weigh in!

I’m Thankful For…

So, 2019 clearly has not been my best year.

BUT, one of the things that has made this year better is practicing gratitude. There are countless things I feel thankful for this year. After a significant loss, I really do not take anything for granted.

In no particular order, here are 30 things I’m thankful for this year:

1. Tommy — My greatest blessing.

2. My mom — My rock. Best mom ever.

3. My 3 pets — My constant company. The sweetest of sweet peas. The unconditional love.

4. My “Troy girls” — Childhood friends that I literally would not have survived this year without.

5. My “Mom Club” friends — 180ish women in the best secret group on Facebook who are there for each other in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for the past 5 years.

6. My longtime friends who are still here for me — These are the friends that I might not see for months on end and pick up right where we left off when we get together again.

7. A reunited friendship with my “sister from another mister” Kathy. Girl, I’m so f*cking thankful you returned my email earlier this year. I will always be grateful. Thank you for a second chance.

8. My “Swimmy” ladies — 4 friends I met a decade ago thanks to the wonderful Keane. We’ve been through a lot together.

9. My Supernatural friends — These are friends I’ve known for nearly 15 years. Friends who I still text with often. Friends I still visit with in person when the stars align.

10. My Moms Demand Action friends — You all inspire me to work harder, keep going and never give up.

11. My Democrat friends — You guys remind me of the sanity in Royal Oak, in Michigan and in America.

12. My neighbors & all my Royal Oak buds — Thank God for my RO community.

13. My extended family — You know who you are. We text. We email. We share inspiring Instagram quotes. We get together when we can.

14. My health — I’m so thankful I can work out with a trainer, go to spin class, walk the dog, run 5k’s…and generally keep up with an active 7-year old as a single mama!

15. My home — I love this house. It is not perfect, but it belongs to me and Tommy and Lady and Daisy and Chloe. I love my yard. I love my street. Did I mention that I love my neighbors? I love my city!

16. My car — I love my V Dub.

17. My job — I am so incredibly thankful that I get to do meaningful work that helps animals in need.

18. My volunteer work — Gun violence prevention has become such a passion of mine. Tommy was just an infant when Sandy Hook happened. I’ll fight for common sense legislation and culture change as long as I possibly can.

19. Therapy and an antidepressant — Ooh boy. GAME CHANGERS. Everyone deserves therapy. And if that is not enough, then medicine provides better living through chemistry.

20. A new Keane album — SO worth the wait. A new album from my favorite band centered not only on divorce, but also hope? Yes please.

21. Weight loss and weight loss maintenance. Hell yes. So needed. So appreciated.

22. Times when I can live in the moment and feel joy  — live concerts, live sporting events, Tommy’s school concerts, his hockey games, his soccer games.

23. Feeling liberated enough to do things on my own — meals out, movies by myself, 5k races by myself. Independence is good.

24. Meditation — namaste.

25. My strength and resilience — I can do hard things.

26. Tommy’s therapist — a wonderful ally.

27. New traditions

28. Closure

29. Healing

30. Hope

What’s Next?

 

 

So it’s final. A nearly 25-year chapter is over. A few vulnerable thoughts…

• I have no idea what comes next. It is no secret that I’m not a fan of this uncertainty.
• I am tired of being bored and the monotony of this rough patch. I crave some sort of excitement, though I’m not sure where to find it.
• I fear raising my child alone long-term, though I’ve been doing just fine at it during the toughest time of my life.
• I feel an equal mix of complete terror and total nausea at the thought of dating. I’m 100% not ready / unwilling at this point in my life.
• I cannot envision a time when I would be ready to date. I don’t see myself having the ability to be that incredibly vulnerable again. But I’d prefer to not die alone.
• The story I sometimes tell myself is that I am past my prime, I am too old and it is too late.
• I sometimes worry that my happiest days are behind me.
• I know I’m in charge of my own happiness. I just can’t see a clear path back to true happiness at the moment.
• I am doing the work to heal every single day. But I’m impatient.
• I really try to live in the moment, but I’d be lying if I said I was not panicky.
• I do not think I can trust again.
• I’m stronger than I was before, but I’d be lying if I said I felt happy.
• This is not the life I envisioned. I had it and lost it.
• I know I can do hard things, but I’m tired.
• I’m still trying to find the lesson in this.
• While I’m struggling, I do not take anything good for granted. I’m thankful for all the blessings in my life and journal privately about thankfulness daily.

I do have a few goals I’m willing to share:

• Don’t look back
• Write a book
• Run another 10k
• Adopt another golden retriever at some point
• Travel again / go back to London at some point
• Healthy relationships for the rest of my life
• Help others through sharing my struggles

I have a few more goals I hope to share in the future. But for now, they are just for me.

From Tiny Buddha: “When we distract ourselves from our pain with a flurry of motion, we fool ourselves into thinking we’re being productive. We fall victim to the addictive high of the quick fix. But as any hard worker in any field will tell you, there is no substitute for good, hard work. Work that gives us a sense of our own intrinsic worth and yields desirable results.”

Blogging is one of my many therapeutic tools. If you have been where I am, I’d love to hear about your favorite tools (books, podcasts, new traditions, etc.) that helped you heal.* Thank you.

 

 

*I am in therapy and on an antidepressant.