Today I listened to Glennon Doyle’s latest episode of her podcast We Can Do Hard Things. Her guest was Jen Hatmaker. Click here to listen.
Jen and I are obviously different people with different life paths. She’s a best-selling author and has a popular podcast. I obviously do not have those things, but I’ll tell you — I’d love to write a book and have a podcast someday! We do have some big things in common though. Like me, she was with her former life partner for a long, long time. Like me, she met him when she and he were babies. Like me, he unexpectedly cheated and left. Like me, she’s been building her life back. Building back differently — healthier and better — this time.
This episode discussed forgiveness, why NONE of us is safe from betrayal, trusting your body, divorce and the rhythm of rising up. If you are around midlife, this is SO worth a listen. You do not have had to go through what both Jen and I went through to get something out of this episode. As Jen said, “This is a very, very common story arc, just fill it in. It could be health, it could be your career. It could be other relationships that follow this rhythm.”
At the beginning of the podcast, Glennon and Jen talked about how long it had been since Jen’s marital chapter ended and the next chapter begun. They talked about how our bodies seem to know before our hearts and minds do. I can completely attest to this. One thing I have learned throughout this process of finding myself again and starting Act Two of my life is that my gut is always right. It has always been right and it will always be right. We need to listen to our bodies when they tell us something is off. I knew before I found out about my then-husband’s infidelity that something was…wrong. Trust your gut folks. Trust your body.
Even to this day, I know when things are not “right” for me. And it’s not just the obvious physical effects from things like anxiety or depression (blood pressure, racing mind, shortness of breath, tiredness, you name it). If I’m having joint pain or heartburn or insomnia, yes, sometimes it’s just physical. Other times, it’s totally my body telling me to PAY ATTENTION to what is going on in my world! Glennon shared that before she found out about the infidelity in her marriage, she was in bed for a year with an autoimmune disease. I will NEVER doubt my body again. Jen says honoring what your body is telling is a part of recovery. I agree. This is about trusting your instincts. Finally.
Another part of healing is noticing patterns. Jen noticed that she had a level of armor on to protect herself. Her armor was “NOT being sensitive.” She would tell her family things like “It’s not as bad as you think it is,” or “It’s fine.” Jen said this armor was not only hard to be married to, but was no longer serving her in general.
In my healing, I have also noticed my patterns. Patterns I do not wish to repeat. Patterns of putting up with less than what I deserved. Patterns of people pleasing. Patterns of sometimes feeling like a martyr and sometimes feeling resentment. Guess what? These things were no longer serving me either.
Recognizing these things is me taking responsibility for my place in my marriage. I may not have cheated or moved away, but the marriage did not exist in a vacuum. Are any of us perfect? Of course not. But am I committed to growth and not repeating those things in a future relationship? Abso-freaking-lutely.
Jen also talked about her old narrative. She would say things like ‘If something’s wrong, it’s all wrong.’ That kind of black and white thinking needs to go in the trash. I used to be a bit like that. I used to think people could not or would not change. How hilarious! Look at how much I have changed in the last few years! I almost do not recognize my old self. Now I’m so much more open to life being lived in the gray.
Another part of the podcast touched on old narratives. For a very long time, Glennon (like me) never thought she would get divorced. Her child called her out on it, just like mine did, after finding out it was in fact happening. I had to tell my son that I had not lied when I told him that his dad and I would never get divorced. I believed it with my entire being. It was only brought up once when he found out a neighbor’s parent were getting divorced.
My other narrative was that divorce was going to be the worst thing ever for my son. Of course it was not. His dad’s love for him did not change. My love for my son did not change. Only our family structure did. So while I once could not believe it, I now I know divorce is without a doubt nowhere near the worst thing that could happen to a child. Part of this is accepting what Glennon said, “We never know what things are going to look like.” I used to think I had my whole life planned out. How ambitious, but also how naive and how boring! I cannot properly share how excited I am to be starting graduate school soon and then starting a new career as a therapist! I could not have envisioned that even just a year ago! A year ago I was looking at homes so I could downsize! I had no clear picture of what career to pursue! A lot of self-reflection and work went into finding the right path.
Being open to new beginnings and uncertainty is actually safer for us. Being open allows us to not be so damn rigid and prone to heartbreak. I’m still working on this, but I know this is way healthier than my old way of thinking. Jen talked about this with regard to infidelity and divorce and her children, but noted that the exact details of pain and loss don’t matter. She said, “None of us are exceptional. I’m telling you, none, nobody. Nobody is impervious to loss, to change, to trauma finally rearing its ugly head. None, zero. There’s no protection, none. There isn’t one…(but) no matter what happens, you will be loved. We will love each other. We will still belong to one another in this world no matter what the arrangement looks like.”
The same goes for forgiveness. It’s 100% an inside job. Jen said, “I am responsible for me. I am not responsible for what someone else does, says, thinks, chooses. I’m not responsible. I am responsible for my words, my responses, what I decide to believe, what I decide to hang onto, what I decide to release. That’s all mine. And so it’s not true that we’re always powerless, that we are just at the whims of what somebody else does to us. It feels that way for a minute, it does. It’s tempting to lean into a victim model because also that plays better because it’s easy to be sympathetic toward a victim. It’s easy to rally the troops to your side. It’s just neater. It’s neater and it lacks nuance. And I that’s my favorite thing, I love it. Can it just be completely black and white where I am the hero? I love that story.” But that story does not serve our healing. And Jen knows this. She added, “You’re going to have to pick up every one of these shattered pieces and figure out what to do them by yourself.” THIS is the crux of healing. No one can do do it for you. Forgiveness is also a key part of letting go.
What I have learned through this “building back differently” process is that I now want to better myself for the rest of my life. I want ALL people in my life — friends, family, etc., not just people who might be in my life romantically — to do the same. That’s the silver lining of hitting rock bottom when a long-term relationship ends. You are forced to look at your old ways and say “No more!” By forcing yourself to really examine yourself and really do the work to heal, then you can stop yourself from repeating past mistakes. (I do wonder if Jen’s and my ex can say they did that. I kinda doubt it.)
So, to sum things up…in Act Two, I want to keep growing and evolving by continuing to shed old, shitty patterns, continuing to listen to my body, continuing to keep a more open mind about life and by trusting the rhythm of rising up…slowly, but surely.
Loved ones, please be patient with me while I rise. Like Jen said, “I’m learning to not be super judgmental toward every iteration of myself in this process.” And go listen to this podcast. It’s pretty epic. ❤
P.S. I start grad school soon. This may be my last blog for a little while. I promise to be back. I’m just not sure when! I’m officially a Counselor in Training!
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