The other day a friend going through a divorce texted me a question. I responded to her with what I thought was just a few words and she replied to me, “You sound so healthy.”
I don’t know why this touched me so much or why I was surprised to hear it, but it made me ponder. Why are we so hard on ourselves? I re-read my response and yes, I *do* sound healthy. Because I am! I have bad days and midlife baggage and yes – I admit it – trust issues. But I am SO self aware now. Why did I have to read my message again to agree with what she said?
Today, I received a copy of my college transcripts. I’m going to apply to get a Master’s in Counseling. (Wish me luck please. Change is hard and scary!) I looked at my undergraduate grades and my graduate school grades and I genuinely was floored at how good they were. (OK, NOT economics. That class was my nemesis.) Damn. Why did I not see how awesome I was 20-some years ago when I earned those grades? And while there is nothing wrong with humility (I’m super humble clearly), there must be a balance!
I am not one of those people who are naturally smart, but when I’m passionate about something, I’m ALL IN. I put in the effort needed to succeed. And that is reflected in those GREAT grades I saw today. (I’m talking like Dean’s List great.) Why at the time did I think I was so damn average? Why did I feel like my mentor believed in me more than I did? What the heck?
I saw those grades today and thought, damnit, I *can* totally go back to school and get another Master’s! Why did I hesitate initially?
Research shows the number one barrier to self-compassion is fear of being complacent and losing your edge. But research shows that’s not true. It’s just the opposite.
Self-compassion can lead to greater achievement than self-criticism ever could.” Credit: NYT
Why is someone like me, who shows compassion so easily to others, one who struggles to sometimes give it to myself? Is it because of social media? Nope. There was NO social media back when I was in college (thank God). Is it because I don’t have my dad, one of my biggest cheerleaders, anymore? Nope. He was around when I got those grades. Is it because I’m divorced? Nope. I’m more resilient than ever thanks to *that* baggage. Is it because I’m comparing myself to others? Maybe in the past. But certainly not now. Since I have been divorced and have done so much self work, the only person I try to compare myself to now is myself in the past. So what is it then? Is is low self-esteem? Turns out it may not be! Is it my inner monologue? Quite possibly.
An article from Inc. talks about negativity bias. (You can read it here.) This is intriguing to me. The brain essentially reacts more to negative input than positive. How could that be for me, Miss Positive? I am not a cave woman! Here’s the thing — we all have trauma and baggage in our life and of course our brain is trying to protect us! Too bad it’s actually doing the opposite.
This is why I’m so passionate about therapy. Not just for a future career, but for MYSELF. I know that I need to keep seeing my therapist. It’s so important to talk to an impartial third party who will call you out on the bullshit in your head sometimes. Some people will say, “That is what friends are for.” And friends are indeed important. But they are in no way impartial or unbiased.
Everyone deserves a therapist in their life.
And I’m so excited at the possibility of becoming one. I want to help others and turn my pain into purpose. But I also am so excited to really dive deep into how the brain works and know that this future understanding can do nothing but help me!
So…what can the average person do? Not every human NEEDS therapy and not every human wants to be one either!
Here are a few tips that I like best about how to not be so hard on ourselves:
- Do NOT compare yourself to anyone other than the version of yourself from yesterday. We are all unique and we all have something to offer.
- Have a filter — filter out the bullshit inner monologue. Filter out the thought that you are not worthy. We are ALL worthy.
- Find at least one person (a therapist, neighbor, mentor) who can be an neutral “reality check” for you. This person should be the one cheerleader we all deserve so we can do what I just did — remind ourselves that we are in fact pretty extraordinary, no matter what our brain tells us.
- NEVER forget that challenges in life not only make you stronger. Dr. Benjamin Hardy said you must re-frame the idea that all things happen TO you to the idea that many things happen FOR you.
- Last, and most importantly…Let yourself suck at something for a while. I just watched a very moving memorial for an incredible young man. His father concluded the celebration of life by saying, “Create things. Even if they suck. Especially if they suck. That is how things start. Put things in the world that didn’t exist the day before.” ♥️
What would you add to this list?
Lindsay Warren's Blog 