Yesterday marked one year since the only man I’ve ever loved, the man I grew up with, went to college and grad school with, got married to in the middle of a huge, multi-state blackout, built a life together with, had a child with, adopted numerous pets with, experienced painful deaths with and the man I was with for nearly 24 years, read me a goodbye letter and moved out of our home forever.
It was traumatic and unexpected. 2019 was a year spent in survival mode. I have never cried more. I’ve never felt more rage, more despair, more confusion. I’ve never been more lost. But I am still alive. And I’m doing a heck of a job raising an amazing kid.
I’m marking today as the first day of the rest of my life. I slept in for the first time in a longggg time, I went to cycle class for the first time since I recently broke my toe, I had lunch with some fabulous, local buddies, I walked the dog and now I’m chilling on my couch writing to you.
2019 was an incredibly rough year. With tough times comes tough growth. I compiled some important reminders:
1. I know I have said this before, but we are in charge of our own happiness. Figure out what lights you on fire. Figure out what helps you get lost in the moment. Do the activities you feel passionate about. Another person or another city are not magic bullets to happiness. Those things can be a bonus to your happiness, but you must be at peace with yourself and love yourself first and foremost to experience true happiness. This also goes for healing. You are in charge of it. Get therapy if you need it. Get meds if you need them. Find a creative outlet. Get exercise to get those endorphins going. Do not give up. Keep going until you heal. Do not run away from your problems. Run toward them and tackle them head on.
2. Integrity is everything. Even Tommy at age 7 knows what it means. “Mom, we learned about integrity at school. It means doing the right thing when no one is watching.” Without integrity, what do you even stand for? Do what you say and say what you do.
3. Take nothing for granted — not love, not family, not friendships, not physical health, not mental health. Appreciate what you have every day. Even on the worst days, find something you appreciate. Life is fleeting. Anything you have today could be gone tomorrow. Tell the people you love that you love them — all the time.
4. Know that the world owes you nothing. Hopefully what you put into it is what you get in return. Patience is key. Hope is key.
5. Do not sweat the small stuff. 99.99% is the small stuff.
6. Do not take things personally. People act the way they act because of their own personal sh*t. I love this quote: “Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else’s war against themselves,” ~Lauren Eden.
7. No one is ever too busy. If you are a priority, they will make time for you. The gift of your time is more powerful than any material item you could give me.
8. Nothing in life will be unhappy forever. Life is a roller coaster and if you are in a rough patch, remember that it may take a long time, but there can be moments of joy again.
9. Lower your expectations when dealing with others. You’ll be let down less. However, do not lower your standards.
10. When people leave, let them leave. Never beg someone to stay somewhere they do not want to stay.
11. We cannot control others. All we can do is control our reaction to them. Detach your own baggage as much as possible, and you’ll react less and less to others.
12. The only way out of grief is through it. Cry when you need to cry. Scream when you need to scream. Call a friend. Write a blog. Go for a run. Meditate. Do not bottle grief up. That won’t end well. Grief will wait for you.
13. Nothing in life is perfect and that is OK. Perfectionism is a defense mechanism. Don’t fall into that trap. Love people for being perfectly imperfect.
14. Express your needs or you will end up resentful.
15. Know your intrinsic value. Even when you are going through challenging times, you are always enough, just as you are.
16. Stop trying to get others to understand you. If they cannot or will not, just move on. Let them be “right.”
17. Don’t be phony. Own who you are. We are complex beings. Example — I am a liberal feminist who is also sensitive and I love with my whole heart. I’m extremely blunt (like my dad was, God rest his soul) and also extremely kind.
18. Find at least one way to laugh every day. Laughter is the best medicine.
19. While someone’s money, social status and job title are often reflections of hard work and good effort, how they treat others is more important.
20. Do not fear alone time. Re-frame it as solitude and get to know yourself better.
21. Break the cycle. I don’t care if “that’s just the way it has always been.” NO. Everyone has some level of trauma. That is life. End the dysfunction. Make that one of your legacies.
22. Let the past go and don’t beat yourself up thinking of ways you could have done things differently. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had. If you do not feel resilient, you can learn it. Yes, resilience CAN be learned.
23. Treat people the way you want to be treated. You cannot do ugly things to people and expect to live a beautiful life.
24. You can do hard things. Take it one day at a time. Baby steps.
Bonus reminder: Everything I need to know about a person is determined by whether or not they like animals. (Example: The current inhabitant of the Oval Office)
Here’s to a new decade. Here’s to new beginnings. Here’s to healing.
Lindsay Warren's Blog 