Today I’m telling a vulnerable part of my story I’ve never shared publicly. I’m writing not to be sad today. I promise I’m OK. I’m writing to reflect on how far I have come…
December 27, 2018…It’s been 3 years…3 years since my life was flipped upside down…3 years since I was asked to sit down and listen to a very unexpected goodbye letter…3 years since my then husband walked out of our home and never returned.
I called my mom. I asked her, “Where are you?”
“I’m at Olga’s having lunch. Is it an emergency?”
“Yes. I’m on my way.”
I remember sitting at that table with her, telling her my husband was leaving me. We had been together nearly 24 years. She told me, “He’s having a nervous breakdown.”
“No. There is someone else. We have been in therapy for a few months. I thought he ended it with her. I guess he didn’t.”
It was the worst day of my life. Worse than when my dad passed away unexpectedly. My dad died loving me. My husband stopped loving me. I felt powerless, angry as hell and heartbroken all at the same time.
The next day ended up being even worse than the day before. Telling my son we were getting divorced was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. We all were crying. Kiddo was naturally in more shock than me. (The shock I experienced the previous day was no doubt the biggest shock of my life…and I had found out about the other woman several months prior. Our marriage had been challenged, but I thought it was repairable and that was why we were in therapy. Still, I never thought our marriage was over.) That moment in my life when I had to tell my son our life would never be the same was pure anguish. I know it was for my son too.
In the coming days, my son would tell me I lied to him. “You told me you guys would never get divorced.” More heartbreak for me. I had to tell him that what I said was NOT a lie. I believed it to be true with all of my heart. The only reason us “never divorcing” was ever even brought up was when he heard about a friend’s parents getting divorced. I told him he had nothing to worry about. I had my whole life mapped out. Divorce was not in the plan.
Within another day or two, my son asked me if the divorce was his fault. My mama heart broke even more. Of course it was not his fault!
After a bit of the shock wore off, I went in to protection mode. I interviewed lawyers, chose one, filed for divorce and got kiddo a therapist. I already had one for myself. My ex and I had been going together. I thought we were repairing our marriage. We were not. He was buying time until he left.
The stress from all this caused my son and me to be sick for about a month each. He experienced anxiety for the first time in his life. I experienced anxiety and situational depression. I got on a medication to treat both. We pressed on. I often told him that someday we would get to a “new normal.”
2019 was one of the hardest years of our lives. Since I had always been the “default parent” (the one who carried the mental load), parenting on my own was not the big adjustment. No longer having a partner was the big adjustment. 24 years is a long time. I did everything in my power to get through that first year, experience any moment of joy available to me and make things as “OK” for my son as possible.
The divorce was finalized on October 31, 2019. I stood in a courtroom on a cold, rainy morning without my ex and without my attorney (the staff attorney attended as it was just a formality). It was much quicker than I expected. I was asked about two questions and then signed a document.
“Congratulations. You are divorced.”
Yay me. Sigh. While I think I was over my ex before the divorce was finalized, I was definitely not over being alone yet.
Then, just 5 months later, the pandemic hit. Talk about trauma compounding more trauma. Ouch. I will never forget breaking down and bawling when I read that the pandemic could last as long as 18 months. (As we all now know, it’s been longer.) My life had already felt “on hold” through the divorce process and now it was going to be on hold even longer? It was too much for me to imagine. 2020 was a year that overall sucked for every human. There were of course some bright spots for me: new friends…My son and my mom and I staying healthy…my job was safe. All good things. I always try to focus on the good things. And I do not take a damn thing for granted.
2021 has been a bit better in some ways (though we are still in this seemingly unending pandemic). I’m now amicable with my ex. Kiddo and I got vaccinated. I got my booster. We have continued to stay healthy. We continue to make new traditions. And the highlight – we “right-sized” to a home that’s a wonderful, fresh start for us. These things have helped me reclaim my life.
It is no secret that I still have several significant personal and professional goals I would love to meet. I think my professional goals are attainable. But the personal goal still feels out of my control at this point. But that is the thing with relationships — you cannot control them. I learned that early on in my life, but was blatantly reminded when my husband left 3 years ago today. At this point I just have to continue to have hope for a second chance in that department. All the personal work I have done for 3 years allows me that hope.
I am not comfortable calling myself a Phoenix just yet. Maybe in another 3 years. 😉
For now, I’ll call myself a Phoenix in training. ♥️
Here’s to following dreams, chasing joy and hope for all of us. Here’s to other Phoenixes in training.
Happy (Almost) New Year.
Lindsay Warren's Blog 