I finished This Is Us today. My gosh, what a brilliant, relatable and MAGICAL show. If that television program taught me anything, it is that there is no “picture perfect” definition of a family. There is no definition at all…except people who love each other.
Over 6 seasons, the characters and stories illustrated that families have so many varieties and they are all beautiful…birth parents, adopted parents, step parents, divorced families, single parents, straight kids, gay kids, white family members, black family members, family members estranged for many years, and on and on.
Just like some of the characters on This Is Us, my family looks different than I planned. I got married with the plan that it was for life. I especially never envisioned a divorce after getting pregnant with my son! In my perfect world, there would be one more person in my family. That person could be another male figure in Tommy’s life…And that person is who I’d get to go on dates with once in a while! Ultimately at this point, I’m good with what my family looks like. If this is as good as it gets, then I’ll kick the shit out of my Plan B. Acceptance is key.
Ever since the day I announced on this blog that I was going through a divorce, countless people have reached out to me. They often would say that they were going through the same thing as me, but they did not want to post about it publicly. Still, they appreciated me having the courage / making the choice to do so. We would commiserate. Lately, some say they are considering divorce, but they are scared of the financial repercussions. They are also scared of co-parenting or time lost with their children.
Here are the lessons I try to impart upon them:
- First, I had ZERO say in my divorce. ZERO. My (then) husband sat me down one day, read me a goodbye letter and that was it. He left our home immediately, never to sleep there again. Less than 2 weeks later, he had moved about 700 miles away to be with the woman he left me for. Lesson: If I can go through an unexpected divorce and come out healthier than I was before, YOU CAN DO IT with your planned divorce! The actual divorce process can SUCK, but when it is over, you can start your next chapter. I promise you will be OK.
- Second, co-parenting has been the biggest blessing of my divorce. While I was married, I had no real life balance. My life revolved around my child. My husband worked extremely long hours and 99.9% of the parenting duties were on me. Now my kiddo sees his father more than he did when we were married and I do have an amazing life balance. Lesson: NEVER assume co-parenting will be a nightmare. It will probably provide you with the balance you always wanted but did not have. Also, kids deserve to see both of their parents as healthy as possible, not stuck in a toxic marriage. You do not want them thinking that is what love is.
- Third is the financial stuff. I fully acknowledge that many do not have the financial privilege I have coming out of my divorce. We were able to divide our assets without a ton of strife, and without even going to mediation. But no matter the situation you are in, there is a reason you hire divorce lawyers. They will make certain laws are followed. Lesson: A good divorce lawyer is worth the money it will cost to divide assets.
It took me some time to make peace with what my family looks like now. But here is the deal. Just like This Is Us showed us, families are not only a mom, a dad and kids. The Pearsons were still the Pearsons, no matter the circumstance. (No spoilers for anyone who has not watched it!) Family is HOWEVER we define it. I love my 2-person, 3-pet family. Oh and yes, friends are family too. I’m thankful the universe always fills in the gaps.
Lindsay Warren's Blog 