“Family” Has Many Definitions.

I finished This Is Us today. My gosh, what a brilliant, relatable and MAGICAL show. If that television program taught me anything, it is that there is no “picture perfect” definition of a family. There is no definition at all…except people who love each other.

Over 6 seasons, the characters and stories illustrated that families have so many varieties and they are all beautiful…birth parents, adopted parents, step parents, divorced families, single parents, straight kids, gay kids, white family members, black family members, family members estranged for many years, and on and on.

Just like some of the characters on This Is Us, my family looks different than I planned. I got married with the plan that it was for life. I especially never envisioned a divorce after getting pregnant with my son! In my perfect world, there would be one more person in my family. That person could be another male figure in Tommy’s life…And that person is who I’d get to go on dates with once in a while! Ultimately at this point, I’m good with what my family looks like. If this is as good as it gets, then I’ll kick the shit out of my Plan B. Acceptance is key.

Ever since the day I announced on this blog that I was going through a divorce, countless people have reached out to me. They often would say that they were going through the same thing as me, but they did not want to post about it publicly. Still, they appreciated me having the courage / making the choice to do so. We would commiserate. Lately, some say they are considering divorce, but they are scared of the financial repercussions. They are also scared of co-parenting or time lost with their children.

Here are the lessons I try to impart upon them:

• First, I had ZERO say in my divorce. ZERO. My (then) husband sat me down one day, read me a goodbye letter and that was it. He left our home immediately, never to sleep there again. Less than 2 weeks later, he had moved about 700 miles away to be with the woman he left me for. Lesson: If I can go through an unexpected divorce and come out healthier than I was before, YOU CAN DO IT with your planned divorce! The actual divorce process can SUCK, but when it is over, you can start your next chapter. I promise you will be OK.
• Second, co-parenting has been the biggest blessing of my divorce. While I was married, I had no real life balance. My life revolved around my child. My husband worked extremely long hours and 99.9% of the parenting duties were on me. Now my kiddo sees his father more than he did when we were married and I do have an amazing life balance. Lesson: NEVER assume co-parenting will be a nightmare. It will probably provide you with the balance you always wanted but did not have. Also, kids deserve to see both of their parents as healthy as possible, not stuck in a toxic marriage. You do not want them thinking that is what love is.
• Third is the financial stuff. I fully acknowledge that many do not have the financial privilege I have coming out of my divorce. We were able to divide our assets without a ton of strife, and without even going to mediation. But no matter the situation you are in, there is a reason you hire divorce lawyers. They will make certain laws are followed. Lesson: A good divorce lawyer is worth the money it will cost to divide assets.

It took me some time to make peace with what my family looks like now. But here is the deal. Just like This Is Us showed us, families are not only a mom, a dad and kids. The Pearsons were still the Pearsons, no matter the circumstance. (No spoilers for anyone who has not watched it!) Family is HOWEVER we define it. I love my 2-person, 3-pet family. Oh and yes, friends are family too. I’m thankful the universe always fills in the gaps.

Some Days Kick My Ass

Acceptance…Man, is it hard to get there some days.

I just had the most amazing weekend with my kiddo. Absolutely perfect. Magical. No complaints. I felt like a new single parent achievement was unlocked — I traveled solo with my kiddo and it felt “normal.” I had a great therapy session this week. I finished my grad school application.

And yet, today is somehow kicking my ass.

MAJOR attitude from my kiddo this morning…yes, the kiddo I just had the most wonderful weekend of bonding with.

Then the school drop off line from hell (again). Why must the drop off line equal the absolute worst of humanity? Is it THAT hard to not be an asshole?

And then…the ache appeared. The ache is almost always there. Most days I can distract it. But not today. I try so hard, but I still miss aspects of my old life. I miss the security. I miss the partnership. I miss the CONNECTION. I miss having someone who is my first person to call / text with good news or bad news or just their willingness to let me vent about life. I miss contentment.

And here comes what will probably cause me a major vulnerability hangover.

I miss my old best friend. I also miss a friend with whom I had a “situationship” (I cannot call it a relationship. It never was). And I have no real good solutions to repair either friendship due to physical distance with the former and emotional distance with the latter.

The former best friend and I went through some rocky times when we became moms. I admit the falling out was mainly my fault. My mental health was not great at the time. I was a new mom. I was not getting the support I so desperately needed from my then-husband. Years passed without us talking. Then my ex left me and I felt with my entire body and soul that people should not be thrown out. I felt like I threw her away. I felt terrible.

We have since reconnected, but physical space (we live 4 hours apart and there is a country border between us) has kept us apart during this damn pandemic. She also is one of the most successful career women I know. She really truly is amazing. One of the most amazing women I know. Her little free time is devoted to her husband and kids, as it should be. Regardless, I miss her so much.

Then there was the “situationship.” I have never blogged about this before. A couple of years ago, I met someone so, so, so kind. Amazing friend to many. Amazing parent. Extremely successful career. Cute as hell. Funny. Always fun to hang out with. Me met organically. We live nearby. It felt SO EASY. It was SO FUN. It was unexpected. I did not take one moment for granted. He said he was not ready to date. But the truth is, he did not want a relationship with me. One evening, he casually brought up someone he took on dates. I knew in that moment we could not carry on the casual “thing” we had, as lovely as it was. We’ve tried to be “friends,” but we are failing. Of course. I knew it would be so awkward to try. Unlike my other friend who lives far away, we still live close, but could not be more emotionally apart.

I know I need to get over these losses, just like I’ve gotten over my ex-husband. But nonetheless, I miss the connections we had so, so much.

It also does not help when friends tell me “Oh so and so is dating / has a loving boyfriend. You will too.” No one can predict that. No one can predict I will ever have a female best friend again either. I can do all the work in the world on myself and I may not ever get what I want. And being a single parent without a best friend or a significant other, I’m sorry to say can be SO DAMN ISOLATING. I know am blessed with this child (I even have a childless friend who often reminds me of this to make me feel bad, suggesting that I’m not more thankful – which does not help…) and I’m blessed with many friends. But I feel like a burden to these friends. I know they are sick of hearing from me and my baggage, as kind as they are. I know they think I should be 100% healed by now. I get it. Compassion fatigue is a real thing. I never felt like that with the my former best friend and my former husband. I miss having those type of people in my daily life.

Lastly, before someone tells me for the millionth time that I need to be OK alone…I KNOW. Intellectually, I promise you with every fiber of my being – I KNOW.

And I know you want me to get better. I want to get better too. SO BADLY. I’m trying every single day. In so many ways, I truly am better. (See many of my other blog posts about my progress. I’m proud of a lot of things that I have accomplished.) But I cannot lie and will never lie. Transitioning from a chapter when I felt very content to this one…is proving to be a LONG adjustment. Change is fucking hard.

Just know – I’m trying. Every day. I’ll never stop trying. Today, instead of unloading on any of you, I’m blogging.

Some days as a single mom just kick my ass. Tomorrow will be better.

“In shifting our perspective to one of allowance and acceptance, we gradually begin fostering peace and love on the inside. It then leaks out into the world and those around us.” ~Sarah Blondin