Acceptance…Man, is it hard to get there some days.
I just had the most amazing weekend with my kiddo. Absolutely perfect. Magical. No complaints. I felt like a new single parent achievement was unlocked — I traveled solo with my kiddo and it felt “normal.” I had a great therapy session this week. I finished my grad school application.
And yet, today is somehow kicking my ass.
MAJOR attitude from my kiddo this morning…yes, the kiddo I just had the most wonderful weekend of bonding with.
Then the school drop off line from hell (again). Why must the drop off line equal the absolute worst of humanity? Is it THAT hard to not be an asshole?
And then…the ache appeared. The ache is almost always there. Most days I can distract it. But not today. I try so hard, but I still miss aspects of my old life. I miss the security. I miss the partnership. I miss the CONNECTION. I miss having someone who is my first person to call / text with good news or bad news or just their willingness to let me vent about life. I miss contentment.
And here comes what will probably cause me a major vulnerability hangover.
I miss my old best friend. I also miss a friend with whom I had a “situationship” (I cannot call it a relationship. It never was). And I have no real good solutions to repair either friendship due to physical distance with the former and emotional distance with the latter.
The former best friend and I went through some rocky times when we became moms. I admit the falling out was mainly my fault. My mental health was not great at the time. I was a new mom. I was not getting the support I so desperately needed from my then-husband. Years passed without us talking. Then my ex left me and I felt with my entire body and soul that people should not be thrown out. I felt like I threw her away. I felt terrible.
We have since reconnected, but physical space (we live 4 hours apart and there is a country border between us) has kept us apart during this damn pandemic. She also is one of the most successful career women I know. She really truly is amazing. One of the most amazing women I know. Her little free time is devoted to her husband and kids, as it should be. Regardless, I miss her so much.
Then there was the “situationship.” I have never blogged about this before. A couple of years ago, I met someone so, so, so kind. Amazing friend to many. Amazing parent. Extremely successful career. Cute as hell. Funny. Always fun to hang out with. Me met organically. We live nearby. It felt SO EASY. It was SO FUN. It was unexpected. I did not take one moment for granted. He said he was not ready to date. But the truth is, he did not want a relationship with me. One evening, he casually brought up someone he took on dates. I knew in that moment we could not carry on the casual “thing” we had, as lovely as it was. We’ve tried to be “friends,” but we are failing. Of course. I knew it would be so awkward to try. Unlike my other friend who lives far away, we still live close, but could not be more emotionally apart.
I know I need to get over these losses, just like I’ve gotten over my ex-husband. But nonetheless, I miss the connections we had so, so much.
It also does not help when friends tell me “Oh so and so is dating / has a loving boyfriend. You will too.” No one can predict that. No one can predict I will ever have a female best friend again either. I can do all the work in the world on myself and I may not ever get what I want. And being a single parent without a best friend or a significant other, I’m sorry to say can be SO DAMN ISOLATING. I know am blessed with this child (I even have a childless friend who often reminds me of this to make me feel bad, suggesting that I’m not more thankful – which does not help…) and I’m blessed with many friends. But I feel like a burden to these friends. I know they are sick of hearing from me and my baggage, as kind as they are. I know they think I should be 100% healed by now. I get it. Compassion fatigue is a real thing. I never felt like that with the my former best friend and my former husband. I miss having those type of people in my daily life.
Lastly, before someone tells me for the millionth time that I need to be OK alone…I KNOW. Intellectually, I promise you with every fiber of my being – I KNOW.
And I know you want me to get better. I want to get better too. SO BADLY. I’m trying every single day. In so many ways, I truly am better. (See many of my other blog posts about my progress. I’m proud of a lot of things that I have accomplished.) But I cannot lie and will never lie. Transitioning from a chapter when I felt very content to this one…is proving to be a LONG adjustment. Change is fucking hard.
Just know – I’m trying. Every day. I’ll never stop trying. Today, instead of unloading on any of you, I’m blogging.
Some days as a single mom just kick my ass. Tomorrow will be better.
“In shifting our perspective to one of allowance and acceptance, we gradually begin fostering peace and love on the inside. It then leaks out into the world and those around us.” ~Sarah Blondin
Lindsay Warren's Blog 