Everyone Hurts Sometimes.

No one wins the Misery Olympics.

What is the Misery Olympics? It is comparing your struggles to others who are sharing their own struggles. It is often used to undermine the importance of someone’s struggle, or to make someone who feels miserable look like they are exaggerating their pain or are weak for complaining.

I used to “compete” in the Misery Olympics. I have mentioned this in my blog before. I was an exhausted new mom and it was not a proud life chapter. I am still ashamed of that behavior. I even lost a friendship for a number of years because of it. It was so shameful. My behavior was not excusable by any means. My behavior was because I was not caring for my mental health. I can now promise you this:

1. I will never, ever compete in the Misery Olympics again. It’s selfish and tone deaf and just…rude as hell.
2. I will spend the rest of my life trying to do better and not treat my friends the way I did then.
3. I will always take responsibility for my healing, my mental health and being my advocate and my best friend first. If I am in charge of my mental health and happiness, I can be happy for others as well. I can honor THEIR pain by NOT belittling it and by validating it.

All of us have been through a lot lately. We lived through a very long global pandemic. We were extremely isolated. We missed out on a lot of life. Loved ones died. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I have friends with chronic physical pain….friends who have lost their jobs….friends who have lost babies and children…friends who have gotten divorced or want to get divorced…friends with fertility issues…friends who have been raped…friends who want to but to, but cannot find love again. This is a small sample of examples.

One smart friend recently said to me, “How we get on with our lives is a choice.” This is such a powerful statement. We get one, precious life. Are you going to spend the rest of your life pissed off / sad / resentful because of your trauma? Or are you going to try to make the best of the hands you were dealt? No one has to “get over” trauma such as a loved one who died by suicide or homicide. All of our trauma is valid. Trauma is not a choice. Healing is our responsibility.

Another smart friend recently said, “I know everyone handles life differently, but I want happiness and joy every single day. It’s a short journey and this is spoken by someone in the last chapter.” I also want happiness and joy every single day.

Healing looks different for everyone. For some it might be therapy and meds. For others it might be yoga and journaling. There is no one “best” way to do it. Whatever healing looks like for an individual is not relevant. What matters is that they are working toward feeling better. And while grief is not linear, we should not give up the fight to find our “new normal.”

Do I have bad days? You know I do. But the difference between the earlier version of me and the version of me that I have evolved into by taking care of my mental health is vastly different. Now I do not DWELL on my pain for long. I feel it, I honor it and then I MOVE ON. I get up every day and do my best to make it a good day, a good life.

I think you should too.

Phoenix Rising

Four years as a twosome…scratch that…four years as a dynamic duo! ♥️

Four years ago was the worst day of my life. If you are new to my blog, you can read about that day here.

I can easily say my hardest day is behind me. Before you tell me I’m naive and that life will always throw curve balls, hear me out. Yes, there will be hard days during Act Two. There already have been plenty of tough days: deaths — of family members, of dreams for possible romantic relationships, and on and on. But the difference now is, I’m a million times stronger now than I was four years ago today.

In the four years since life threw me my biggest and most unexpected curve ball, I have truly gotten my shit together. Therapy and an antidepressant have been at the center of my healing. Leaning on friends, family and my pets has also been integral. Soul searching – soooooooooo much damn soul searching – has taken place as well. A ridiculous amount of self-help books have been read. I can’t forget the podcasts. Meditation and exercise too. All the effort. Rest and self-care too. The “new” / old, charming house was a game changer too. I’m finally OK in my own skin. And lest I forget the group texts. Thank God for group texts. I’m a lucky girl to have so many women in my life who love me. 😍

And I am thrilled to report that finally figuring out a new career and starting graduate school to pursue that career has been so significant in re-writing my life. After benefiting from talk therapy for a few years, it finally hit me. I could BECOME a therapist! I love to help others and what an incredible way to give back. What an incredible way to put love out into the world.

I was scared out of my mind to apply to grad school at age 45. I mean, I already have a Master’s degree. And I said I’d “never” go back to school. Haha, I guess never say never! (Except about a minivan. I’m NEVER getting one of those. NEVER.)

I started my first course in September. My courses are offered one at a time, which is great for us adults with jobs, kids, volunteer work and more. They are only 8 weeks long and that makes them quite intense! There is usually 1 to 2 chapters to read per week, along with a quiz, group project or writing assignment. I’m happy to say that I got As in both of my courses I took this fall!

I’m also happy to say that graduate school has given my life a new purpose. I have a full, busy life being a single mom, but a career that I was passionate about was a big, missing piece. I have always done best in life when I’m working on things that excite me. And without a partner, I have to admit, a lot of this chapter of my life has been BORING. Before my girlfriends get mad at me, let me clarify…You are anything but boring! But you don’t alway have time for Ms. Single Mom. Or you have, but maybe you did not always want to invite the single girl out. I get it. Trust me I do. I was partnered for 24. years. Having this new responsibility has not only given me more to do and more PURPOSE, but has also helped my self-esteem. The best way to improve one’s self-esteem is to learn something new! And my goodness, I’m learning SO MUCH! It also helps that I LOVE the subject matter!

Speaking of self-esteem, something else that I am proud of is how I have put myself out there, been vulnerable and opened myself up to dating. I have yet to have success, but my original goal was 1. go on dates (done) and 2. have zero expectations (also done). So I’ll just keep at it, and hopefully someday I’ll meet my new best friend, the person I can call or text first when something good or bad happens, the person I can go on date night with and the person who can be my +1 at fun events! Fingers and toes are crossed.

One other part of increasing my self-esteem and becoming a rising Phoenix is the care I have done on myself — both inside and out. I continue to find success with Noom. 12 pounds down, a few more to go! I have no problem reading psychology-based articles, logging my food and logging my weight daily. It’s keeping me accountable — to myself! Man, that is such a great feeling. Oh, and I ran a 10k – on a whim – this year too! Thank you to girlfriends for pushing me to believe in myself more!

So, one year ago today I called myself a “Phoenix in Training.” I was not ready to say anything more yet.

Today, I am OK with calling myself a “Phoenix Rising.” Do I still have bad days from time to time? Of course. But they are fewer and my gosh do I bounce back faster from each one. I’m not 100% where I want to be yet, but I’m heck of a lot closer than I was 365 days ago. I’m pretty proud. ♥️

What was your most proud moment in 2022?